Dad Life

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with being a Dad.  Lately, as God has been challenging me to get to the root of who I am, I have been over analyzing my Dad-role.  The potential of every little thing I say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) to have a long lasting impact on my children causes me to second guess every little thing.  Why'd I have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way I am actin like I am somebody else ... Gets me frusterated.

Um, ANYway.  Mandy sends me the below video to cheer me up ... and it did.



Dad Life from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

One Way Mirror Horror

I don't remember much from my childhood. I can recall snippets of events, usually spurred on by pictures of the moment, but in general I just don't remember...

Apparently I am at a time in my life where I really want to remember.  Or at least know why I don't.  I've shared before about my "trap door" vision and discovering those things that have shaped and formed me and are at the root of the way I think and act.  And I'm really beginning to believe that my lack of memory is my coping mechanism; if I can't remember it, I don't have to deal with it.  In fact, even to this day (though some may disagree) I am a non-confrontationalist and avoid what may very well become a traUmatic experience.

So, lately, I've been asking God about this and He has been showing me some things I have forgotten.  Things that have had a long lasting impact ...

For example:  I love to dance.  Believe it or not, it's true.  But, in reality, I don't (or rarely do).  This comes in great conflict at weddings or work's Christmas party or more often during worship at Church.  While we are singing and praising, the most God gets from my inner desire as an outward show is clapping hands or a tapping foot, or maybe a bounce (if the song is particularly upbeat).

You may ask yourself, "But Paul, you are very outgoing and have no problems being goofy in public?"  That is mostly true, but speaking and acting goofy are a far cry from expressing a genuine inner desire.  I am extremely self-conscious.  (What will people think?  What if I am distracting them?  What if I can't really dance?)

In pondering about this as I am bouncing during worship thinking that maybe I could sneak in a side-step and immediately am overcome with an overwhelming sense of fear ... I remember another time I danced ....

... I am at the grocery story with my mom.  We are shopping in the produce aisle.  I don't remember how old I am, but I was still shorter than my mom, so maybe 10 or 11 years old.  There is a door with a mirror on it that we are walking away from as my mom peruses the row of vegetables.  In my boredom, I beginning dancing in front of the mirror.  As my mom continues to move down the aisle, I would take a couple of steps with her then turn around and wave and start dancing again.  When we were about half way down the row, when I turned around to wave and start dancing again, the door was open and two guys (in store uniforms, it was a Safeway) waved back.

Though the fear isn't as strong, shopping is difficult too.

As I think about that memory, I can still feel the emotional eruption I experienced.  I can reflect very clinically about what transpired.  It was an office door with a one-way mirror.  The guys were having a meeting and were entertained and wanted to participate.  No harm done.

Ah, but harm was done ... When my wife (who has her own blog) asks me if I will dance with her at a wedding, internally I experience that same feeling of dread.  I want to dance, but the fear is debilitating.  When I want to express myself to God during worship, internally I experience that same feeling of dread, as if two guys from Safeway were ready to wave at me the moment I swayed a little too much.

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::

Great Date!

So the kids have been doing VBS (Vacation Bible School) all week at Hope Chapel in Kihei.  This means that every night this week, from 6:15p to 8:45p they are at the church (learning about Joseph).  And this also means that every night from 6:15p to 8:45p Mandy and I are without kids.

"Oo La La," you say?

Well, tonight (Friday), Mandy is hosting a "girls" night at our house for the women from our church.

Last night (Thursday), Mandy dropped the kids off, came home made some cookie dough and went to Paia to hang out with a friend and bake cookies.

Wednesday night, Mandy was going to hang out with a friend in Kihei (whose son is also doing the VBS), but it didn't work out so she went mega shopping at Costco instead.

Monday night, my best friend, Gabe and I hung out "online" (he lives in Wisconsin) playing video games.  It is hard to schedule play time when there is a 5 hour time difference.

BUT ON Tuesday night, Mandy and I hung out all by ourselves (oo la la).  We went to the library and then went to Kalama Beach Park to watch the sunset.  I love my wife.

Trying to catch the moment with my phone camera.

The most beautiful woman.

Going, going ...

We should get a picture with the sunset in the background.

We should get a picture with the sunset in the background.

Mandy suggested a picture with more sky.

More sky AND more palm branch.

Let's Start at the Very Beginning (It's a Very Good Place to Start)

There are some things in life that just make you smile.

Someday, I want to be somewhere when something like this happens.  I love how the internet makes it so I can imagine I was ....

I Don't Remember Much ....

I don't remember much from my childhood.  I can recall snippets of events, usually spurred on by pictures of the moment, but in general I just don't remember.

I was thinking about this the other day and wondering why, when it occurred to me that is was probably some sort of coping mechanism resulting from a traumatic experience I had when I was a kid.

So I thought back to the earliest possible memory I could clearly remember ....

I am riding in a school bus ... going to school ... Westhill Elementary ... I am sitting towards the middle of the bus ... I don't remember what is going on around me ... I remember sitting by myself ... I remember focusing intently on something ... my favorite peechee ... I remember really liking my peechee ... I remember looking longingly at my peechee ... I remember being overcome in one moment and kissing my peechee ... I remember Heather Fickbam, the cutest girl in school, snapping me out of my revery and questioning for all to hear, "DID YOU JUST KISS YOUR PEECHEE!?" ....

Everything in my life after that moment is pretty much a blur.

You might be asking what it was that drew me to such affection ...

If it was something like this picture ... that would be traumatic.

I Have Lived in Maui for One Year

A year ago, 4/21/09, we boarded a plane to move to Maui.

April 21, 2009
You can read about our departure here (and see where I swiped the picture from)
Are those long pants and coats?

And a year ago from today (4/22/09), I started working in my new role for Pacific Source (we ship building materials to Hawaii).

Before Maui, I was the operations manager for our Mainland warehouse in Washington.  My dad (one of the owners) and I had a good system, where he would oversee and coordinate with the Sales and upcoming orders and the lumber yard, and I handled the day to day operations in general:  receiving, packaging and loading.  Rob, one of the owners, oversaw our Island operations and coordinated with our facilities there.

In January of 2009, I had a work trip planned to Maui.  We had been trying to get me to Maui for almost 4 years, for work the experience, since Maui is our largest market.  But circumstances and personnel issues made it untimely.  In January 2009, it worked out to fly over to "train" the guys in Maui on how to handle a new product we were carrying.

My wife (who has here own blog) was able to join me for that week.  During the day, I would go to work and she would go places.  In the evening, we would go places together.  It was an enoyable time with one another without the distraction and interruption of the kiddos.  One day, while we were together, enjoying our time, Mandy says, "I can picture us living here."

Now, as I mentioned before, it took 4 years to plan a work trip.  The reason being is that it is hard to manage people from a long distance.  We had 3 managers at our Maui facility in those same 4 years.  Rob was spending a considerable amount of time travelling to Maui to infuse philosophy and direction to those managers.  Every time it seemed I would have a window to make a trip, an issue would come up that required Rob to handle it himself.  By the time the January 2009 trip came around, it was more to give Rob a break.  (The new warehouse and showroom were being built at the same time).

So when Mandy says, "I can picture us living here," a flood of thoughts came into my mind.  My Dad and I had talked about solutions for Maui management.  It really came down to 3 options, Rob, Dad or I could move there, because we needed someone who understood the company and goals and philosophy and everything else.  However, it really never seemed like a legitimate option for me to move because of our family (I am the father of four).  So when Mandy says, "I can picture us living here," I had to ask, "Are you serious?"

We spent the next couple days in Maui, and the next week or so back in Washington, talking and praying about it.  We both felt a release to talk to the company about offering our willingness to move if they felt it was necessary.  When I mentioned it to my Dad, he said, "That would solve a lot of problems."  When he mentioned it to Mark (one of the owners and president), he said, "That would solve a lot of problems."  And by April 21, 2009 our family was in a plane flying to Maui.

When we were preparing to move and people would ask how long we would live there, our reply was that our commitment was for one year, but we would stay as long as God wanted us to be there.  My belief throughout the process has been that God used the vehicle of a work move to get us where He wanted us:  in Maui.

And though my role has moved beyond operations management to include marketing and customer service and relations, I still believe we are here for a different purpose.  To some extent we are seeing it, but to another, there is still that "other" thing.  And we wait with expectant anticipation.

So if you ask me now how long we will be here ... It will be awhile longer; Maui is our home.

April 10, 2010, a year later.

You can read about Mandy's one year reflection here.

I am the Father of Four

I have 4 kids.  It really isn't a surprise.  My wife (who has her own blog) and I talked about how many children we would have before we were married.  Her parents had 4 kids, my parents had 4 kids, we both said we would have 4 kids.

The trend, however, in the US is to have smaller families.  The average in the last 50 years has gone from just under 3 kids per family to less than 2 kids per family.  Larger families is becoming the anomaly.  And many people look at you like you are an anomaly when you have more than 3 kids.

(And if I add that our kids are four and a half years apart, you might pose the question, "Have you figured out what causes that?")

Now, I assure you, saying you will have 4 kids is completely different than having 4 kids.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the task before me.  I have a complete and utter appreciation for my parents and my wife's parents.

I believe ... the children are our are future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way.  Show them all the beauty they possess inside.  Give them a sense of pride to make it easier.  Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.

I [also] believe that God has given me (and my wife) stewardship of these kiddos.  And it is our responsibilty to "train our children up in the way they should go, so when they are old they will not turn from it".  So one might wonder, as God is still teaching me about myself, how do I train up my children?

I have no idea.

At least it is warm rain?

OK! Everyone Smile!! ... hmmm

Am I the luckiest dad or what?

OK! Everyone Smile!!! ... nevermind.

I do believe I have my hands full.

Three Day Ambition

I enjoy writing.  Since moving to Hawaii, my schedule has been different, allowing more time for family and other stuff.  I felt early on this would be a great opportunity to write more and blogging seems a natural venue.  Being able to blurb whimsically about whatever seems a natural fit to the way my mind works. Sometimes my musing rumination is deserving of an outlet.

As I mentioned before (when debating the virtues of asterisks), I write for myself.  However, that is not to say others may not be intrigued by my musing or find insight in my rumination.  That begs the question, though, "How often should I blog?"

When I finally determined to write regularly (starting with this post (not this post)), I committed to myself to write every three days.  Ambitious you say?  I agree.  And even my wife (who has her own blog) gasped as I told her my intentions.  You may have noticed that I have reliably stuck to my plan for 30 days (that's 10 posts (including this post).  But is it too much?

I ask you, the reader, for feedback.  I know many of us have many blogs we try to follow and keep up with.  It occurred to me, that every three days is a lot.  If you happen to check in to a blog once in a while, or when you remember, that could be a lot to read and catchup on.  Or if you happen to follow or subscribe to a blog or receive RSS updates, that could be more often than you would care for.

So, if it is not too much to ask, how often is too much to post?

My Eyebrows Are Broken.

It's true.  My eyebrows do not do what they are supposed to do.

As you know, and Dictionary.com* confirms, an eyebrow is 1) the arch or ridge forming the upper part of the orbit of the eye and/or 2) the fringe of hair growing on this arch or ridge.

But more importantly than what an eyebrow is ... is its purpose.  An eyebrow performs two major functions:  communication and protection.  In regards to communication, eyebrows play a large part in our facial expressions as well as identification**.  This is not the purpose I refer to when I say, "My eyebrows are broken."  If you've ever spoken with me face to face you may have noticed I am a very animated speaker.  Facial expressions with eyebrow functionality.  No, I refer to protection.
 
Some suggest the primary purpose of our eyebrows is to protect our eyes.  To protect them from sweat and water.  Mine don't.
 
I have never really liked being in water (or drinking it for that matter***).  In fact, I used to say about swimming or taking a shower, "The worst part is getting wet."  I have been known to skip a shower so as not to get wet.  And I would only go swimming if I had no reasonable excuse not to (apparently, "I hate getting wet," is an unreasonable excuse).
 
Only recently have I been able to articulate the problem.  It isn't so much I don't like getting wet (which was my presumption all along), as it is I don't like getting water in my eyes.  I had this epiphany when we were playing in the ocean near Lahaina with the Grays (summer '09).  Between the salt water, sunscreen and sweat, my eyes were stinging and blurry the entire time.  I kept having to go back to my towel to wipe them, only to do it again moments later.  But it wasn't until my parents were visiting this last February ('10) that I finally said my conclusion out loud, "I think my eyebrows are broken."  This proclamation was met by silence and stares (presumable at my eyebrows).  Who better to suggest my theory than to my own parents?  (Too late to wonder if it would insult them****.)
 
Since living in Hawaii, I have become acutely aware of this problem.  Between living in the middle of the ocean (salt water is the worst), being in the constant heat (I am a head sweater) and showering everyday (I interact with customers daily), I can't help but notice my eyebrows do not do what they are supposed to do.  Sweat and water get into my eyes.  My eyebrows are failing me, failing my eyes.
 
So now you know.  My eyebrows do not protect my eyes from sweat or water.  My conclusion, therefore, is they must be broken.  Well, it is either that, or my forehead is too high.  Hmm.  Maybe the sweat or water cascades down my forehead gaining more and more speed only to meet my eyebrows like tsunami crashing into a breakwater ...... oh dear.








____________________
*if you clicked on this link and read the definitions ... did you wonder, as I did, why "kicker" was included amongst the definitions for "eyebrow"?

**there is an interesting article about eyebrows being more useful than eyes for identification.  In short, 46% of subjects were able to identify a well known person with there eyebrows edited out of a picture versus 60% when the eyes were edited out.

***drinking water can give me heart burn.

****because they're my parents.  Get it?  It would be their fault if my eyebrows were broken. haha. erm.

Mandy and I are not compatible.

In my life, the Myers-Briggs personality test has reared its head again.


Our church pastors have been encouraging the congregation to know more about themselves. How God has created them. Spiritual tests and Personality tests are good tools towards that end. More of a guideline, really.


You can go to mypersonality.info and take a test for yourself.


Personality profiles are nothing new to me.  I vaguely recall a test where you could be an otter. And another test the church I grew up in used that plotted you as a Dynamic, Itrovert, Common Sense or something that started with an "A".  But periodically you are around people who are going through one, and everyone wants to know what yours is.

We had some friends over Sunday after church. Playing games, eating food, talking story. Our pastor came by around dinner time to hang out for a bit. And the conversation turned to personality types. I wasn't directly involved, I was having guitar battles in Guitar Hero III. But Mandy was, and I got the jist of the coversation.


People were offering their personality types. "I'm an IBST." "Wow, I'm a USUK." "Really, I'm an OHJY." It was all very confusing. And when asked what we were, neither Mandy nor I could answer the question. (How embarassing) "Um, I'm an OTTR?"


After cleaning up and getting ready for bed, I was ready to wind down by saving humanity (Mass Effect 2). Mandy was ready to take the test. So she did. You can read her results here. Since I was scanning planets* (Really Bioware? EVERY SINGLE PLANET!?!), Mandy helped me take mine.  You can see the results here.

I am an INTP - The "Engineer".  Mandy is an ESFJ - The "Supporter".  And according to every website that you search we are not compatible.  In fact, we both fall into eachother's LEAST compatible with category.  But all I see when you combine our personality types is "NEST" or "FIT" or "FJINSTEP"**.

Mandy, you are the love of my life.  You are my perfect fit.  And if compatible means, "not capable of existing or living together in harmony," then this test may be right.  Fjinstep.








____________________
*apparently scanning planets is important to saving humanity.

** Fjinstep, which you'll probably recall, is Norwegian for "I claim you, you claim me!"