One Way Mirror Horror

I don't remember much from my childhood. I can recall snippets of events, usually spurred on by pictures of the moment, but in general I just don't remember...

Apparently I am at a time in my life where I really want to remember.  Or at least know why I don't.  I've shared before about my "trap door" vision and discovering those things that have shaped and formed me and are at the root of the way I think and act.  And I'm really beginning to believe that my lack of memory is my coping mechanism; if I can't remember it, I don't have to deal with it.  In fact, even to this day (though some may disagree) I am a non-confrontationalist and avoid what may very well become a traUmatic experience.

So, lately, I've been asking God about this and He has been showing me some things I have forgotten.  Things that have had a long lasting impact ...

For example:  I love to dance.  Believe it or not, it's true.  But, in reality, I don't (or rarely do).  This comes in great conflict at weddings or work's Christmas party or more often during worship at Church.  While we are singing and praising, the most God gets from my inner desire as an outward show is clapping hands or a tapping foot, or maybe a bounce (if the song is particularly upbeat).

You may ask yourself, "But Paul, you are very outgoing and have no problems being goofy in public?"  That is mostly true, but speaking and acting goofy are a far cry from expressing a genuine inner desire.  I am extremely self-conscious.  (What will people think?  What if I am distracting them?  What if I can't really dance?)

In pondering about this as I am bouncing during worship thinking that maybe I could sneak in a side-step and immediately am overcome with an overwhelming sense of fear ... I remember another time I danced ....

... I am at the grocery story with my mom.  We are shopping in the produce aisle.  I don't remember how old I am, but I was still shorter than my mom, so maybe 10 or 11 years old.  There is a door with a mirror on it that we are walking away from as my mom peruses the row of vegetables.  In my boredom, I beginning dancing in front of the mirror.  As my mom continues to move down the aisle, I would take a couple of steps with her then turn around and wave and start dancing again.  When we were about half way down the row, when I turned around to wave and start dancing again, the door was open and two guys (in store uniforms, it was a Safeway) waved back.

Though the fear isn't as strong, shopping is difficult too.

As I think about that memory, I can still feel the emotional eruption I experienced.  I can reflect very clinically about what transpired.  It was an office door with a one-way mirror.  The guys were having a meeting and were entertained and wanted to participate.  No harm done.

Ah, but harm was done ... When my wife (who has her own blog) asks me if I will dance with her at a wedding, internally I experience that same feeling of dread.  I want to dance, but the fear is debilitating.  When I want to express myself to God during worship, internally I experience that same feeling of dread, as if two guys from Safeway were ready to wave at me the moment I swayed a little too much.

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::