Dad Life

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with being a Dad.  Lately, as God has been challenging me to get to the root of who I am, I have been over analyzing my Dad-role.  The potential of every little thing I say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) to have a long lasting impact on my children causes me to second guess every little thing.  Why'd I have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way I am actin like I am somebody else ... Gets me frusterated.

Um, ANYway.  Mandy sends me the below video to cheer me up ... and it did.



Dad Life from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

Dagnabbit *facepalm*

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Did you notice?  Probably not, but I did.  I was doing so good too.  Dagnabbit.  *facepalm*

Bitter Roots?

So, I continue to seek and discover my "issues".  We've all got issues that impact the way we judge and perceive the world around us.  For me, I've begun to realize how deeply impactful some of these are in how I go about my everyday life.

I've always known I have certain tendencies, but have always felt them quite minor compare to people who have issues that put them in a mental hospital or jail.  (I have avoided both of those, so far).

But it doesn't change the fact that there are things that have happened in my life that have caused me to be a certain way.  Both good and bad.  I've set out to discover those "bad" things and hopefully find ways to change for the good.

I read an article recently about the difference between shame and guilt.  (I have always associated them as basically the same).  Shame is bad, guilt is good.  "Shame is bad because it attacks the person, not the action. Shame is about who you are while guilt is about what you've done. Guilt says, "What you did is bad. Correct it." Shame says, "YOU are bad and there is no fixing it!" Shame leaves you hopeless and rejected. Guilt moves you to restoration and recovery.*"

Our church has had a couple of teachings about the effect of "bitter roots" in our lives.  Imagine that your life is a tree. Your roots are what pull nutrients into your life and feed you. But what if those roots are bad? What if they are feeding you poison instead of nutrients? You've got a problem. But emotionally, that's what often happens. And the result is a shame-based life.

The same gentleman as above mentions there are 5 main areas of shame:

1. Abuse - (physical, sexual, verbal, spiritual)
2. Ridicule - (emotions, appearance, actions, etc)
3. Neglect - (forgotten or ignored, not being loved)
4. Family Secrets - (addiction, incest, health, criminal activities, etc)
5. Trauma - (accidents or death that are experienced)

Wow.  As I am contemplating what this journey may entail, it seems kind of daunting.  Do I really want to remember standing in line at the water slides and those girls snickered and made fun of my feet?  Do I really want recall my parents arguing one time that resulted in a broken plate of dinner?  Do I really want to reflect on a friend who committed suicide?

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::
____________________
*quoted from Remy Diederich from his November 18, 2006 entry in his blog http://lifechangeseminars.blogspot.com/

One Way Mirror Horror

I don't remember much from my childhood. I can recall snippets of events, usually spurred on by pictures of the moment, but in general I just don't remember...

Apparently I am at a time in my life where I really want to remember.  Or at least know why I don't.  I've shared before about my "trap door" vision and discovering those things that have shaped and formed me and are at the root of the way I think and act.  And I'm really beginning to believe that my lack of memory is my coping mechanism; if I can't remember it, I don't have to deal with it.  In fact, even to this day (though some may disagree) I am a non-confrontationalist and avoid what may very well become a traUmatic experience.

So, lately, I've been asking God about this and He has been showing me some things I have forgotten.  Things that have had a long lasting impact ...

For example:  I love to dance.  Believe it or not, it's true.  But, in reality, I don't (or rarely do).  This comes in great conflict at weddings or work's Christmas party or more often during worship at Church.  While we are singing and praising, the most God gets from my inner desire as an outward show is clapping hands or a tapping foot, or maybe a bounce (if the song is particularly upbeat).

You may ask yourself, "But Paul, you are very outgoing and have no problems being goofy in public?"  That is mostly true, but speaking and acting goofy are a far cry from expressing a genuine inner desire.  I am extremely self-conscious.  (What will people think?  What if I am distracting them?  What if I can't really dance?)

In pondering about this as I am bouncing during worship thinking that maybe I could sneak in a side-step and immediately am overcome with an overwhelming sense of fear ... I remember another time I danced ....

... I am at the grocery story with my mom.  We are shopping in the produce aisle.  I don't remember how old I am, but I was still shorter than my mom, so maybe 10 or 11 years old.  There is a door with a mirror on it that we are walking away from as my mom peruses the row of vegetables.  In my boredom, I beginning dancing in front of the mirror.  As my mom continues to move down the aisle, I would take a couple of steps with her then turn around and wave and start dancing again.  When we were about half way down the row, when I turned around to wave and start dancing again, the door was open and two guys (in store uniforms, it was a Safeway) waved back.

Though the fear isn't as strong, shopping is difficult too.

As I think about that memory, I can still feel the emotional eruption I experienced.  I can reflect very clinically about what transpired.  It was an office door with a one-way mirror.  The guys were having a meeting and were entertained and wanted to participate.  No harm done.

Ah, but harm was done ... When my wife (who has her own blog) asks me if I will dance with her at a wedding, internally I experience that same feeling of dread.  I want to dance, but the fear is debilitating.  When I want to express myself to God during worship, internally I experience that same feeling of dread, as if two guys from Safeway were ready to wave at me the moment I swayed a little too much.

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::

Great Date!

So the kids have been doing VBS (Vacation Bible School) all week at Hope Chapel in Kihei.  This means that every night this week, from 6:15p to 8:45p they are at the church (learning about Joseph).  And this also means that every night from 6:15p to 8:45p Mandy and I are without kids.

"Oo La La," you say?

Well, tonight (Friday), Mandy is hosting a "girls" night at our house for the women from our church.

Last night (Thursday), Mandy dropped the kids off, came home made some cookie dough and went to Paia to hang out with a friend and bake cookies.

Wednesday night, Mandy was going to hang out with a friend in Kihei (whose son is also doing the VBS), but it didn't work out so she went mega shopping at Costco instead.

Monday night, my best friend, Gabe and I hung out "online" (he lives in Wisconsin) playing video games.  It is hard to schedule play time when there is a 5 hour time difference.

BUT ON Tuesday night, Mandy and I hung out all by ourselves (oo la la).  We went to the library and then went to Kalama Beach Park to watch the sunset.  I love my wife.

Trying to catch the moment with my phone camera.

The most beautiful woman.

Going, going ...

We should get a picture with the sunset in the background.

We should get a picture with the sunset in the background.

Mandy suggested a picture with more sky.

More sky AND more palm branch.