Veritas Liberabit Vos

Hebrews 12:15 ... See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

This is part 5 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 4- Hesitation)

(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation)
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I must have sat down, stood up, paced around and sat down again a hundred times.  Why was this so difficult? I already knew the answer:  I hated my inner dialog.  And here I was confronted with facing the depths of my mind.  The darkness before me represented everything I hated about myself and that is where this trail led.  The trail we had prayed for to find "a way out".  The truth will set you free.  These words entered my mind once again.  The encouragement they had held on the climb up, was gone, now they rang as a taunt.

"I can't handle the truth," I mumbled out loud and chuckled, finding little mirth in my words.  "I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" I yelled out in anger towards the unmoving sun, and slumped to the ground once again.  I wanted to cry, to let the tears flow and find solace in my sorrow, but they wouldn't come.  Why was this so difficult?

I sat and stared at the hole of darkness.  You can't do this.  I have to do this.  You can't do this.  I was so cruel to myself, I was my worst enemy.  I suppose this whole cliff represented that very thing.  I was trapped in this place because I had accepted, as truth, so many lies.  I am a horrible husband, I can't be a good father, I am a terrible leader.  These things came to my mind unbidden and lingered there.  The cave mouth threatened to rip me apart like the maw of some mythical creature if I dared to enter it.  I imagined saliva dripping from its teeth in anticipation of devouring this tasty morsel.

I shook the image from my head, "Whatever," I spoke aloud and stood boldly. I walked to the cave and without hesitation I stepped from the light into the darkness.  I closed my eyes in expectation of something and cringed.

I stopped, fully engulfed in the darkness, and opened my eyes again.  Nothing.  Just blackness.  I turned behind me and could see the light from the entrance.  I felt around, just barely able to reach the walls to either side or the roof above me.  With so much room, I didn't feel claustrophobic.  I shuffled forward, not wanting to trip on the unseen, and constantly waved my arms in front, above and next to me.  The thought made me smile, I must have looked silly.  I was feeling confident, the fear having subsided.

I moved in this manner ever so slowly, but the light from the cave mouth seemed much more distant now.  It was my only point of reference and indicated I was moving forward in a straight line.  What are you doing here?  My inner voice, though silenced for a moment, spoke up again.  

Why are you doing this?  Because I have to ...

You have to do what?  I have to be free from the lies ...

They aren't lies, you know that.  They are.  I said this inwardly with more confidence than I felt.  I already knew how this conversation would end.

You were unfaithful to your wife.  My heart sank.  It was the truth.  It wasn't a lie.  It was always the first thing I reminded myself of.  I was unfaithful to my wife.  I had sex with someone else before I was married.

You took your wife's purity.  My heart sank.  It was the truth.  It wasn't a lie.  I pressured her into having sex before we were married and then tried to believe we didn't.

You have committed adultery.  My heart sank.  It was the truth.  It wasn't a lie.  Jesus even says if you look at a woman with lust in your heart, you have committed adultery.  Pornography has too often been a vice.

I had nothing to say.  How could I respond?  It was true.  I wanted to be free from the lies, but how do I escape the truth?

You can't please your wife.  Wha .. ?  My wife loves me!

You are a failure as a husband.  That's not true ...

She'd be better off with out you.  I ...  

And this is how it went.  I would remind myself of my failures and the truth became indistinguishable from the lies.  It always started this way and with that foothold, the accusations would come in a flurry.  Still caught in trying to defend or justify a truth, I couldn't dispute the lies.  Taken one at a time, I could start to form rational thoughts about being forgiven and being a new creation, but those thoughts never came one at a time.

You are selfish.  You don't love your wife as Christ loved the church.  You are lazy.  You don't spend enough time with your kids.  You expect to much from your son.  You are a horrible father.  You can't hear God.  You stifle the Spirit ...

I began backing away from the unseen voice, flailing my arms in defense of this verbal barrage.

You don't deserve to be at your job.  You are an incompetent leader.  You have nothing to offer.  You don't take care of yourself.  Nobody likes you.  You are a hypocrite.  You cast judgment on others.  You are a liar.

No.  No.  No.  No.  The only words I could form under this onslaught.  I couldn't do this.  I was even a failure at this.  My own voice began to take up the mantra of my inner voice.  It was true, all of it.  With my eyes squeezed closed in foolish protection I didn't notice when I backed my way out of the darkness.  Slumped over, waving my arms in desperation, I continued to stumble backwards to escape.  I was a failure.  I could never succeed.  Why should I try.  My inner voice had fallen silent as I continued my self-attack.

It was too late when I realized I had backed my way to the edge of the cliff, my balance was already lost.  My eyes shot open and I threw my arms about, frantically trying to regain my balance.  Of course it would end this way, I thought as I resigned myself to falling, I deserve to die.

In that moment, I felt a strong hand grab my forearm.  My fingers instinctively tried to grab back.  My body lurched as it awkwardly adjusted to this new anchor, swung down and bounced off the cliff face below the ledge with a thud and an, "oof."  I twisted painfully under the strained of my arm being pulled over my head.

I looked up into the most beautiful face.  The eyes were full of compassion and love and concern.  His mouth turned into a slight smile as he said, "Hey."  Jesus.  Jesus was reaching over the ledge, my arm in his grasp.

All I could think of to say was, "Hey," in return, and he began to pull me back up to the ledge I had fallen from.


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continue to part 6- Misery