Hysterical

Romans 8:31 ... What shall we say then?  If God is for us, who can be against us?

This is part 7 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 6- Misery)

(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation; Part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos)
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When we finally reached the beginning of the trail and the grassy meadow, Jesus continued on toward the tree at the top of the hill without stopping.  I wanted to stop walking.  I wanted to slump to the ground.  I wanted to disappear, to be anywhere but here.  But I continued following, my feet stepping automatically.  I had asked for this.  I had asked for help.  I had wanted to be "free".  Free to screw up.

I was numb.  I was depressed.  How easily I got there.  I could go from confident and bold to defeated and depressed in a heart beat, when reminded of my ineptitude.  I tried to remember scripture, but "we are more than conquerers", or "there is now no condemnation" didn't bring any comfort in my present state.

Jesus stopped at the tree and placed his hand on the trunk.  His eyes were closed as if in prayer when I finally made it to the top.  I stood and watched him, wondering.

After a long moment, he opened his eyes and turned towards me, "I love you," he said.  No he doesn't.  Jesus closed the gap between us too quickly, his hands grasped each side of my face, compelling me to look him in the eyes.  "Yes.  I do."  Tears welled up in my eyes and my breathing heaved.  How can you?  He stared at me with such intensity, such love, such compassion, his eyes darting back and forth between my own.  I wanted to believe him, I really did.

He released his grip on my face and walked back to the tree and gestured towards it looking at me, "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any.  So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'  'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it.  If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "

"I know that parable," I said, "So what?  Are you going to cut it down?"

"I doubt it," he replied.

"It hasn't produced any fruit in a long time,"  I said defiantly.  What was I doing?  Trying to convince him to cut it down?

"I'll just ask for another year," he said simply.

He took a couple of steps towards the trail we had come down, "That was some trail."  He chuckled, seemingly to himself, "Narrow and difficult."

I was indignant.  "Well if that's not the way, what is?"  My frustration seeping out in my words more than I wanted.

He took a couple of steps towards the cliff face.  He made an exaggerated survey, straining to look as far as he could to the left and then to the right.  His head tilted back as he looked upward and then he stumbled backward as if the height was too high.

"Wow, that is one big mountain," he looked at me with a mischievous smile, "Too bad you don't have more faith."

My jaw dropped in surprise.  Did he just say that?  Was he joking?  Why would he say such a thing?

"Aw, come on.  That was a good one."  His eyes drooped in sadness, then quickly returned to a smile.  He stepped back to the tree and sat down.  "I thought it was funny," he said as much to himself as to me.  "Come on, let's talk."  He patted the ground next to him, inviting me to sit down.

I was guarded.  Anymore, I was always guarded.  This wasn't an eager moment for me.  I wanted to talk to him, to hear what he had to say.  I wanted to be free, I had to be free.  I knew I couldn't carry on in my life the way I have been, but I was filled with so much doubt.  

Doubt.  I laughed.  To myself at first, but then it caught momentum.  It was uncontrollable.  I would try to stifle it, but then burst out again.  Doubt.  I couldn't contain it, pent up emotion being released.  Jesus was smiling and laughing with me.  I doubled over, it felt unnatural to laugh so hard.  I would start to settle down and then erupt into laughter again.  I don't know how long I went on that way, but after some time, with tears in my eyes and a pain in my stomach, I made my way over to sit next to Jesus.

"I told you it was a good one," he said leaning into me and giving me a hug.

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Mark 11:22-23 ... Have faith in God.  I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.


continue to part 8- Epiphany