Hesitation

Matthew 7:14 ... narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

This is part 4 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 3- Revelation)

(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation)
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The way got difficult fast.  I was far enough along that I could no longer see where the trail had started.  I could clearly see the tree and the meadow around it and the river below.  I closed my eyes quickly.  Don't look down, don't look down.  I have never been afraid of heights, but I was testing the scope of that fear.  I scooted, slid, climbed and felt my way along.  Sometimes I was side stepping with my face to the cliff, other times I was facing outward.  The way was difficult.  It is funny how at times like these you find your voice to pray.  Oh God, don't let me fall.  Every once in awhile the ledge trail I was on ended and I had to climb up a few feet to get to where the trail continued.

I chuckled to myself.  The Bible says that the road to life is narrow and difficult.  When I pictured how that would physically look, it wasn't too unlike the trail I was on now.  Which made me chuckle again considering I was still in my own mind.  I was determined to press on no matter how difficult it became.  I had no intention of returning to the meadow below.  It is funny how easy it is to continue forward when you've made that determination.  So on I went.

There was no easy way to measure time, the sun still wasn't moving, but I was far enough along now the tree was a distant smudge in the green that surrounded it.  Every now and then I would pick up or kick off a loose rock and watch it tumble through air ... 1 one-thousand, 2 one-thousand, 3 one-thousand, 4 one-thousand, 5 ... I saw the distant splash quickly disappear in the fast moving water.  Man, I was high up.  I tried to look above me, the face of the cliff continued upward at least the same amount as it did downward, but the angle was so awkward it was hard to tell.  As long as there was a trail, I would continue on.

As I got to another point where the ledge I was on ended, the trail above was higher than it had been before.  It was above my head this time and I had to stretch to reach the lip.   It was amazing how much more constricted my body movements had become.  If I was on the ground below, I would just jump and shimmy my way up.  Here, though, I couldn't even bring myself to jump and peek over the edge.  I surveyed the ledge and cliff face looking for a good foot and hand hold.  They were there, but just too high to get started without fear of falling.

I remembered a small boulder I had stepped over down the path and went to retrieve it thinking it would be a good stepping stone to help in the climb.  It was too awkward to carry on this small ledge, so I ended up scooching it along with my feet, stopping regularly because of the workout.  I eventually got it to where the ledge ended and stepped up.   It was just enough where I could pull myself to my tippy toes and peek over the edge.

The area opened up quite a bit.  It was a huge indentation in the cliff face and had a wide flat shelf, almost like a porch.  From the small boulder I was standing on, I could easily reach some foot holds to push myself higher.   I stopped momentarily with my chest resting on the new ledge and my feet dangling behind me.  Oh God, don't let me fall.  I fought the rest of the way up and quickly stepped away from the edge and sat down.  It was surprising how secure and relaxed I felt even though the drop off was only a few feet away.  I savored the moment and rested.

After short minute, I stood to physically explore what my eyes had already surveyed.  The trail continued on into a crevice.  It was not straight back, but at angle opposite from the trail that came up the cliff face.  After about a twenty foot corridor the trail turned back into the cliff and disappeared into a hole.  And when I say disappear, that's what it did.   The darkness was so black, the sun light barely penetrated inward two feet and then nothing.   I reached hesitantly inward, my hand feeling along the cave wall, my foot staying firmly in the sun lit portion.   It seemed like the path continued on, but my heart raced at the thought.

I stepped away to reevaluate my surroundings; to make sure I didn't miss another ledge or trail.  There was definitely nowhere else to go.  I looked above me for another ledge, and even peeked over the edge I came up, to see if there was something there.  I suppose I knew I wouldn't find an alternate route.  I walked back to the cave mouth.  The opening was big enough, that it looked like I could walk upright comfortably.  But who knows what happened inside the cave after that first step.  I found my self in a cold sweat as I thought about walking into the darkness of my own mind.  My breathing was shallow and my heart felt like it was beating unevenly.  I was scared.  All the confidence and determination to continue forward was gone.  And for the first time since I set my foot onto this difficult path ... I hesitated.


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continue to part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos