1 Inch vs. 3 Feet
10 years ago
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Fruit of the Spirit - Faithfulness (New Hope Maui Message, 4.27.14)
I had the opportunity to share the message at New Hope.
We are going through a series on the Fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Here is my message on Faithfulness:
Fruit of the Spirit - Joy (New Hope Maui Message, 3.23.14)
I had the opportunity to share the message at New Hope.
We are going through a series on the Fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Here is my message on Joy:
Monday, February 3, 2014
Fruit of the Spirit - Introduction (New Hope Maui Message, 2.2.14)
I had the opportunity to give the message at New Hope Maui today, 2/2/14.
We are starting a series on the "Fruits of the Spirit". My message was the introduction.
Series text:
We are starting a series on the "Fruits of the Spirit". My message was the introduction.
Series text:
Galatians 5: 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.Fig Tree Parable text:
Luke 13: 6 Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. 7 So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’8 “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. 9 If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”
Twelve Spies story:
Numbers 13: 21 So they went up and explored the land from the Desert of Zin as far as Rehob, toward Lebo Hamath. 22 They went up through the Negev and came to Hebron, where Ahiman, Sheshai and Talmai, the descendants of Anak, lived. (Hebron had been built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.) 23 When they reached the Valley of Eshkol,[a] they cut off a branch bearing a single cluster of grapes. Two of them carried it on a pole between them, along with some pomegranates and figs. 24 That place was called the Valley of Eshkol because of the cluster of grapes the Israelites cut off there. 25 At the end of forty days they returned from exploring the land.
Remain in Me text:
John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
An Encounter With God
I salvaged some files from an old hard drive and found this story. According to the file date it is from March, 25th, 1997.
An Encounter With God
by Paul Halverson
The secretary’s voice came over the intercom, “Mr.
Smith, your appointment is here.”
Mr. Smith replied back, “Great. Send Him on in.”
After a moment, there was a knock at the
door. “Come in!” Mr. Smith shouted.
God walked into the office. “God! I’m glad I could squeeze you in, I've got a full schedule today. Have a
seat. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be right with you.”
Five minutes passed with Mr. Smith working at the
computer. “John?” God asked.
“Almost done, God, give me a few more minutes.”
John continued working at the computer. More minutes passed. “John, we should talk,” God said.
“Right, one more second and I’ll be finished.”
A few more minutes passed and John finally
finished. “All right, I’m glad I got
that out of the way. Thank you for being
patient, God. OK, so what did you want
to see me about?”
“How are things going?” God asked.
“Not too bad.
Busy though.”
The secretary’s voice came over the intercom, “Mr.
Smith, your wife is on line 3.”
“Thank you,” he replied, then to God he said, “Can
you hold on, I’ll only be a second.”
John picked up the phone. “Hi.”
“No, it will probably be late tonight.”
“Can your mom do it?” “How about
mine?” “Oh? I didn't know that.” “Yeah, I could do that.” “I love you.”
“Um, hold on a second.” John
looked at his appointment book. “Yes, we
could.” “I love you, too” “Bye.”
“Sorry about that God, thanks for your
patience. My wife needed me to pick up
the kids tonight.”
“How is your wife?” God asked.
“Oh, she’s good.
Busy though.”
The secretary’s voice came over the intercom, “Mr.
Smith, you have a call holding on line 1.”
“Thank you.” He replied, then to God he said,
“I’ll make this one quick.”
John answered the call. “Hello, this is John.” “Hi Tim.”
“No, we can’t do that.” “What
about Frank?” “He wouldn't, huh?” “OK let me call him.” “Yeah, he should. I’ll talk to you later.” He hung up the phone.
“One more second, God, sorry about this.”
John looked at his desk for a moment then picked
up the phone again. “Frank please.” “Thank you.”
“Frank. This is John.” “You were, huh?” “We can’t keep doing business like this, it
is a waste of both mine and your time, and you know how precious that is.” “Now listen, just work through it, and we’ll
fix it in the future.” “No.” “No.”
“Frank, you are being difficult, I've got better things to do than to
have you waste my time like this.”
“Thank you, Frank” “You have a
fine day.” He slammed the phone down.
“Some people just don’t get the concept of
time.” He said frustrated. “God, I need a few more minutes, this needs
to be taken care of.”
John picked up the phone again. “Doug please.” “Doug we need to solve this problem,
ASAP. Let’s get-” “Today.”
“Why not?” “How about the day
after?” “Not until next week!” “Doug this is ridiculous, it is important
that we talk about this.” “Give me a few
minutes tomorrow morning?” “Yeah that
will work.” “OK, I’ll see you tomorrow
night then.” “Right, talk to you later.” He hung up the phone.
“Some people are just so hard to meet with. You would think that because this is so
important he would make more time for me.
Well, I’ll take what I can get I guess.
Thanks again for your patience God.
So what else did you want?”
“I was hoping we could start spending more time
together.” God replied.
John chuckled, “I wish I had more to give, I mean,
I hardly have time for myself.”
“It is important, John,” God said.
“It’s been pretty hectic around here as of late.”
“Look at me John.
It is important that we grow in our friendship.”
There was a quick knock at the door, and a man
popped his head in, “John, if we are going to make our reservations we need to
leave now.”
“OK,” John said, “On my way.” He turned to God. “I didn't realize how much time had
passed. I need to leave, maybe we can
get together next week.” He looked down
at his appointment book. “You know next
week is booked, in fact this whole month doesn't have too many openings in
it. I’ll tell you what, how about when I
get some free time, I’ll give you a
call.”
John grabbed his jacket and appointment book, and
headed towards the door. He stopped and
turned back to God. “Thank you for being
so patient, I really appreciate it. I’ll
talk to you soon.”
After the door had closed God answered ... “I’ll
be waiting.”
Monday, October 1, 2012
Putting our Faith in God, not man
I had the opportunity to give the message at New Hope Maui on 9.30.12 ...
I shared about how the focus of our faith needs to be on God, not on man (or things, or ideas) ...
I spoke from 1 Corinthians, here are some excerpts ...
1 Corinthians 1:18-25 ... 18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written:
I shared about how the focus of our faith needs to be on God, not on man (or things, or ideas) ...
I spoke from 1 Corinthians, here are some excerpts ...
1 Corinthians 1:18-25 ... 18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
20 Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22 Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
1 Corinthians 3:5-15 ... 5 What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. 7 So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8 The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. 9 For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.
10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
It is for Freedom that Christ set us Free
I had the opportunity to share the message at New Hope Maui on 12/4/11 ... If I get any audio I will post it later.
The message was on Galatians 5: It is for Freedom that Christ set us Free.
The illustration was that sometimes how we see the world is impaired by our bondage.
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
The message was on Galatians 5: It is for Freedom that Christ set us Free.
The illustration was that sometimes how we see the world is impaired by our bondage.
Galatians 5
1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
2 Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. 3 Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. 4 You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
7 You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? 8That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 9 “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.” 10 I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty. 11 Brothers and sisters, if I am still preaching circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been abolished. 12 As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Participating With God
I had the opportunity to share the sermon message at New Hope Maui on 8.21.11.
I spoke about God's challenge to me to become more intimate with Him.
The Parable of the Sower can be found in ...
Matthew, Chapter 13;
Mark, Chapter 4;
and Luke, Chapter 8.
I also shared from 2 Peter 1:3-9
Click here if you would like to download this message.
I spoke about God's challenge to me to become more intimate with Him.
The Parable of the Sower can be found in ...
Matthew, Chapter 13;
Mark, Chapter 4;
and Luke, Chapter 8.
I also shared from 2 Peter 1:3-9
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. 5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
Click here if you would like to download this message.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
When The Past Catches Up With You ...
Have you ever been on a long road trip? Cruising in the fast lane, "going with the flow of traffic", making good time? Then realize it would be nice to stretch your legs, maybe use the bathroom or get something to eat, so you find a good place to stop? Then, after you are back on the road, back in the fast lane, you catch up and pass the same car you passed 50 miles ago?
Then that car becomes your highway arch-nemesis? Where it seems for the entire length of the freeway through the next state, you are ever "leapfrogging" with this clever rival? Your bladder gets a little fuller as you try to hold off as long as possible to make your next stop, knowing you will lose the valuable lead you have attained. Your stomach growls a little louder in protest to your oversight of the last 6 food signs. Your travel-mates grow restless unaware of the highway battle that is ensuing.
My past is like that. There is a period of my life (of which the time frame is kind of hazy) in 1994/1995 where my decision making skills were, shall we say, being challenged. And there have been many times where there has been something, sometime, somewhere, that has reminded me of those days. And then I get on with my life and leave those memories behind.
However, the problem is, that many of my guilt and shame issues come directly from that time period. Mainly around sex. So, "getting on with my life", has really been more along the lines of, "stuffing these emotions and memories in a box and trying to leave it behind and never think of it again".
Recently, via Facebook, someone "found" me from the era of my life, which in turn has become other people finding me. Which in turn has become being tagged in a picture or two.
So now, it feels like instead of "leapfrogging" my Highway adversary, they have pulled into the same resaurant I have stopped at and are walking through the front doors. Our eyes lock onto each other with an unspoken understanding.
Perhaps it's time I introduce myself.
Then that car becomes your highway arch-nemesis? Where it seems for the entire length of the freeway through the next state, you are ever "leapfrogging" with this clever rival? Your bladder gets a little fuller as you try to hold off as long as possible to make your next stop, knowing you will lose the valuable lead you have attained. Your stomach growls a little louder in protest to your oversight of the last 6 food signs. Your travel-mates grow restless unaware of the highway battle that is ensuing.
My past is like that. There is a period of my life (of which the time frame is kind of hazy) in 1994/1995 where my decision making skills were, shall we say, being challenged. And there have been many times where there has been something, sometime, somewhere, that has reminded me of those days. And then I get on with my life and leave those memories behind.
However, the problem is, that many of my guilt and shame issues come directly from that time period. Mainly around sex. So, "getting on with my life", has really been more along the lines of, "stuffing these emotions and memories in a box and trying to leave it behind and never think of it again".
Recently, via Facebook, someone "found" me from the era of my life, which in turn has become other people finding me. Which in turn has become being tagged in a picture or two.
 |
| My sister (who has her own blog) can confirm or deny if she is in this photo |
So now, it feels like instead of "leapfrogging" my Highway adversary, they have pulled into the same resaurant I have stopped at and are walking through the front doors. Our eyes lock onto each other with an unspoken understanding.
Perhaps it's time I introduce myself.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Don't Judge Me
I had the opportunity to share the sermon message at New Hope Maui on 3.13.11.
I spoke from Romans 14:1 thru 15:7, "Weak Faith"
Click here to download the message.
I spoke from Romans 14:1 thru 15:7, "Weak Faith"
Click here to download the message.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Who told you that you were naked?
I told myself I wasn't going to write another blog post until I finished the Freedom story. But alas, though I know a few aspects of the next couple parts, the flow of how do get there is not forthcoming.
So, since October, when I've had the thought, "I should write about [insert clever, witty or thought provoking post title here]" ... I would reply, "Not until you finish the story ... " Self-conversation aside, I have come to realize that the story will finish when it "needs" to (for me), but in the mean time, writing is a very good outlet to express and grasp some of the swirling thoughts in my head ... both trivial and spiritual. To muse upon my ruminations, so to speak.
At the core of the Freedom story are my struggles with guilt and shame. I think these are familiar feelings we all experience and they hinder us in experiencing the fullness of our lives. As God has been helping me along in this struggle, I have become very aware of the effects of guilt and shame in my own kids. It is heartbreaking to watch them lose their innocence and I find myself exasperated sometimes and at a loss of what I can do to protect them. I am also aware that I, myself, am a contributor.
That is hard to admit. However, the confession in itself brings freedom; the admission brings about a desire to become better; the awareness looks for opportunities to build up instead of knock down.
Who told you that you were naked? - God, Genesis 3:11
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness ... - You, Isaiah 61:10.
So, since October, when I've had the thought, "I should write about [insert clever, witty or thought provoking post title here]" ... I would reply, "Not until you finish the story ... " Self-conversation aside, I have come to realize that the story will finish when it "needs" to (for me), but in the mean time, writing is a very good outlet to express and grasp some of the swirling thoughts in my head ... both trivial and spiritual. To muse upon my ruminations, so to speak.
At the core of the Freedom story are my struggles with guilt and shame. I think these are familiar feelings we all experience and they hinder us in experiencing the fullness of our lives. As God has been helping me along in this struggle, I have become very aware of the effects of guilt and shame in my own kids. It is heartbreaking to watch them lose their innocence and I find myself exasperated sometimes and at a loss of what I can do to protect them. I am also aware that I, myself, am a contributor.
That is hard to admit. However, the confession in itself brings freedom; the admission brings about a desire to become better; the awareness looks for opportunities to build up instead of knock down.
When my son pees his pants because he was distracting playing, I can encourage him to remember when his body is telling him to go potty, instead of suggesting he's not a baby anymore.
When my daughter flies into a dramatic fit because she doesn't remember I already kissed her goodnight, I can kiss and hug her again, instead of saying, "Just because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen."
When I come home exhausted from work and I just want to rest, but my daughter says, "I want to spend time with you." Instead of demanding "me" time, I can swoop them up and ask, "What would you like to do?"
When my son comes to me deflating because his friend got in his face and kept yelling that he is a "F**king B**ch" for accidentally hitting another kid while playing basketball, I can give him a giant hug and suggest playing Minecraft, instead of "forcing" him to resolve the conflict.I heard someone say once, "Hurt people hurt people." That is so true. Guilt and shame make us feel naked and because we feel naked we want others to feel naked too. Sometimes, our response (even to our own children) when they say to us, "I've been beaten and stripped. I am naked," is to agree with them and say, "Yes, you are."
Who told you that you were naked? - God, Genesis 3:11
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness ... - You, Isaiah 61:10.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Epiphany
Romans 12:2 ... be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
This is part 8 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 7- Hysterical)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation; Part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos; Part 6- Misery)
____________________
"Are you OK?" Jesus asked.
The laughter had subsided and I was deep in thought. Doubt. I doubted so many things. Every thought seemed to be second guessed and then doubted some more. It was comfortable sitting here next to Jesus. Just being in his presence. It reminded me of the old days and our time together, but my mind was full of doubt. How can he still love me?
"No. No, I guess I'm not OK," I replied. The honesty felt right. As if just speaking the truthful words brought peace to my overwhelmed mind. I wasn't okay. I haven't been okay. I have been stumbling along trying to figure out what went wrong only to perpetuate my stumbling.
"Do you want to talk about it?" The words were so genuine. He wouldn't push me more than I was willing to go. For me, he would nudge, guide, prod and persuade, but that final step had to be mine. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.
"Not really," I spoke honestly again. I did, but I didn't. I wanted to tell him my worries and fears, but I didn't. I wanted him to tell me where I went wrong, but I didn't. I wanted to explode my emotional frustration and have him tell me everything would be okay. But I knew it wouldn't be that simple. Core parts of me had to change. Core parts of me had to be refined.
"OK," he replied. He knew me so well. If he out right told me to do it, I wouldn't. However, if it was my own decision, I was committed. The fact of the matter was I had to talk about it. I had come to furthest reaches of my faith, and the chains that bound me up prevented me from going further. I was like a dog tied to a post in his yard. I had to be released from those chains to move on.
I stood up from where we were sitting under the tree and walked away a couple of steps. "I suppose I should," I finally said, turning to face Jesus.
"Probably."
"But I don't even know where to start." Thousands of thoughts flooded my mind. Every doubt. Every confusion. Every failure.
"Well," Jesus stood and walked over to me, "You started along time ago." He placed his hand on my shoulder, "And you are doing great."
I blushed. His words were such a contrast to my inner dialogue. I never felt like I was doing great. I felt like I had failed miserably. The times that were great I figured was the result of my wife and her faith.
Jesus' arm wrapped around my neck in a head lock and forced me to hunch over. "Ouch," I cried, even though it didn't really hurt. "What are you doing?" I was fighting trying to get away.
"I. Am. Just. Trying," he breathed heavily as if he were exerting himself, "To. Get. It. Off." He finally released me and backed away. I looked at him surprised as he scrutinized me. He stepped forward again, "Maybe if we ... "
"What?!" I cut him off, confused frustration filling my voice. He stopped. One minute we're laughing, the next he's trying to rip my head off. I was already on an emotional roller coaster, I didn't need this.
"You know I am surprised you don't have more bruises," he said and started pacing back and forth, still scrutinizing me, as if, at any moment he would pounce on me.
I looked at him with a puzzled expression. I was beyond confused. Sometimes Jesus did the most bizarre things, said the most bizarre things. Was this because it was my mind? Was I imagining these very things he did and spoke? The inner workings of my own mind were strange enough as it was. It certainly could be me. But I wondered, maybe Jesus was speaking to me the way I needed to be spoken to.
Here we were in my place of prayer, long ago an intimate place of connection with my Savior. He often had spoken to me in a way and with words that were exactly what I needed to hear. It has been awhile since we've met in this place. Our recent encounters have been so much more reserved on my part. Here, though, all pretenses were gone. He could say what needed to be said and I could be myself.
"Yes!" Jesus exclaimed and lept at me. Before I could fully grasp what he was doing, his shoulder barreled into my stomach as he tackled me to the ground. Our momentum tumbled us down the hill a little way. It sounded like Jesus was giggling when our bodies finally disentangled from eachother. "You're it!" he yelled and ran back up the hill.
This is part 8 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 7- Hysterical)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation; Part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos; Part 6- Misery)
____________________
"Are you OK?" Jesus asked.
The laughter had subsided and I was deep in thought. Doubt. I doubted so many things. Every thought seemed to be second guessed and then doubted some more. It was comfortable sitting here next to Jesus. Just being in his presence. It reminded me of the old days and our time together, but my mind was full of doubt. How can he still love me?
"No. No, I guess I'm not OK," I replied. The honesty felt right. As if just speaking the truthful words brought peace to my overwhelmed mind. I wasn't okay. I haven't been okay. I have been stumbling along trying to figure out what went wrong only to perpetuate my stumbling.
"Do you want to talk about it?" The words were so genuine. He wouldn't push me more than I was willing to go. For me, he would nudge, guide, prod and persuade, but that final step had to be mine. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.
"Not really," I spoke honestly again. I did, but I didn't. I wanted to tell him my worries and fears, but I didn't. I wanted him to tell me where I went wrong, but I didn't. I wanted to explode my emotional frustration and have him tell me everything would be okay. But I knew it wouldn't be that simple. Core parts of me had to change. Core parts of me had to be refined.
"OK," he replied. He knew me so well. If he out right told me to do it, I wouldn't. However, if it was my own decision, I was committed. The fact of the matter was I had to talk about it. I had come to furthest reaches of my faith, and the chains that bound me up prevented me from going further. I was like a dog tied to a post in his yard. I had to be released from those chains to move on.
I stood up from where we were sitting under the tree and walked away a couple of steps. "I suppose I should," I finally said, turning to face Jesus.
"Probably."
"But I don't even know where to start." Thousands of thoughts flooded my mind. Every doubt. Every confusion. Every failure.
"Well," Jesus stood and walked over to me, "You started along time ago." He placed his hand on my shoulder, "And you are doing great."
I blushed. His words were such a contrast to my inner dialogue. I never felt like I was doing great. I felt like I had failed miserably. The times that were great I figured was the result of my wife and her faith.
Jesus' arm wrapped around my neck in a head lock and forced me to hunch over. "Ouch," I cried, even though it didn't really hurt. "What are you doing?" I was fighting trying to get away.
"I. Am. Just. Trying," he breathed heavily as if he were exerting himself, "To. Get. It. Off." He finally released me and backed away. I looked at him surprised as he scrutinized me. He stepped forward again, "Maybe if we ... "
"What?!" I cut him off, confused frustration filling my voice. He stopped. One minute we're laughing, the next he's trying to rip my head off. I was already on an emotional roller coaster, I didn't need this.
"You know I am surprised you don't have more bruises," he said and started pacing back and forth, still scrutinizing me, as if, at any moment he would pounce on me.
I looked at him with a puzzled expression. I was beyond confused. Sometimes Jesus did the most bizarre things, said the most bizarre things. Was this because it was my mind? Was I imagining these very things he did and spoke? The inner workings of my own mind were strange enough as it was. It certainly could be me. But I wondered, maybe Jesus was speaking to me the way I needed to be spoken to.
Here we were in my place of prayer, long ago an intimate place of connection with my Savior. He often had spoken to me in a way and with words that were exactly what I needed to hear. It has been awhile since we've met in this place. Our recent encounters have been so much more reserved on my part. Here, though, all pretenses were gone. He could say what needed to be said and I could be myself.
"Yes!" Jesus exclaimed and lept at me. Before I could fully grasp what he was doing, his shoulder barreled into my stomach as he tackled me to the ground. Our momentum tumbled us down the hill a little way. It sounded like Jesus was giggling when our bodies finally disentangled from eachother. "You're it!" he yelled and ran back up the hill.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Hysterical
Romans 8:31 ... What shall we say then? If God is for us, who can be against us?
This is part 7 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 6- Misery)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation; Part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos)
____________________
When we finally reached the beginning of the trail and the grassy meadow, Jesus continued on toward the tree at the top of the hill without stopping. I wanted to stop walking. I wanted to slump to the ground. I wanted to disappear, to be anywhere but here. But I continued following, my feet stepping automatically. I had asked for this. I had asked for help. I had wanted to be "free". Free to screw up.
I was numb. I was depressed. How easily I got there. I could go from confident and bold to defeated and depressed in a heart beat, when reminded of my ineptitude. I tried to remember scripture, but "we are more than conquerers", or "there is now no condemnation" didn't bring any comfort in my present state.
Jesus stopped at the tree and placed his hand on the trunk. His eyes were closed as if in prayer when I finally made it to the top. I stood and watched him, wondering.
After a long moment, he opened his eyes and turned towards me, "I love you," he said. No he doesn't. Jesus closed the gap between us too quickly, his hands grasped each side of my face, compelling me to look him in the eyes. "Yes. I do." Tears welled up in my eyes and my breathing heaved. How can you? He stared at me with such intensity, such love, such compassion, his eyes darting back and forth between my own. I wanted to believe him, I really did.
He released his grip on my face and walked back to the tree and gestured towards it looking at me, "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?' 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "
"I know that parable," I said, "So what? Are you going to cut it down?"
"I doubt it," he replied.
"It hasn't produced any fruit in a long time," I said defiantly. What was I doing? Trying to convince him to cut it down?
"I'll just ask for another year," he said simply.
He took a couple of steps towards the trail we had come down, "That was some trail." He chuckled, seemingly to himself, "Narrow and difficult."
I was indignant. "Well if that's not the way, what is?" My frustration seeping out in my words more than I wanted.
He took a couple of steps towards the cliff face. He made an exaggerated survey, straining to look as far as he could to the left and then to the right. His head tilted back as he looked upward and then he stumbled backward as if the height was too high.
"Wow, that is one big mountain," he looked at me with a mischievous smile, "Too bad you don't have more faith."
My jaw dropped in surprise. Did he just say that? Was he joking? Why would he say such a thing?
"Aw, come on. That was a good one." His eyes drooped in sadness, then quickly returned to a smile. He stepped back to the tree and sat down. "I thought it was funny," he said as much to himself as to me. "Come on, let's talk." He patted the ground next to him, inviting me to sit down.
I was guarded. Anymore, I was always guarded. This wasn't an eager moment for me. I wanted to talk to him, to hear what he had to say. I wanted to be free, I had to be free. I knew I couldn't carry on in my life the way I have been, but I was filled with so much doubt.
Doubt. I laughed. To myself at first, but then it caught momentum. It was uncontrollable. I would try to stifle it, but then burst out again. Doubt. I couldn't contain it, pent up emotion being released. Jesus was smiling and laughing with me. I doubled over, it felt unnatural to laugh so hard. I would start to settle down and then erupt into laughter again. I don't know how long I went on that way, but after some time, with tears in my eyes and a pain in my stomach, I made my way over to sit next to Jesus.
"I told you it was a good one," he said leaning into me and giving me a hug.
____________________
Mark 11:22-23 ... Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.
continue to part 8- Epiphany
This is part 7 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 6- Misery)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation; Part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos)
____________________
When we finally reached the beginning of the trail and the grassy meadow, Jesus continued on toward the tree at the top of the hill without stopping. I wanted to stop walking. I wanted to slump to the ground. I wanted to disappear, to be anywhere but here. But I continued following, my feet stepping automatically. I had asked for this. I had asked for help. I had wanted to be "free". Free to screw up.
I was numb. I was depressed. How easily I got there. I could go from confident and bold to defeated and depressed in a heart beat, when reminded of my ineptitude. I tried to remember scripture, but "we are more than conquerers", or "there is now no condemnation" didn't bring any comfort in my present state.
Jesus stopped at the tree and placed his hand on the trunk. His eyes were closed as if in prayer when I finally made it to the top. I stood and watched him, wondering.
After a long moment, he opened his eyes and turned towards me, "I love you," he said. No he doesn't. Jesus closed the gap between us too quickly, his hands grasped each side of my face, compelling me to look him in the eyes. "Yes. I do." Tears welled up in my eyes and my breathing heaved. How can you? He stared at me with such intensity, such love, such compassion, his eyes darting back and forth between my own. I wanted to believe him, I really did.
He released his grip on my face and walked back to the tree and gestured towards it looking at me, "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?' 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "
"I know that parable," I said, "So what? Are you going to cut it down?"
"I doubt it," he replied.
"It hasn't produced any fruit in a long time," I said defiantly. What was I doing? Trying to convince him to cut it down?
"I'll just ask for another year," he said simply.
He took a couple of steps towards the trail we had come down, "That was some trail." He chuckled, seemingly to himself, "Narrow and difficult."
I was indignant. "Well if that's not the way, what is?" My frustration seeping out in my words more than I wanted.
He took a couple of steps towards the cliff face. He made an exaggerated survey, straining to look as far as he could to the left and then to the right. His head tilted back as he looked upward and then he stumbled backward as if the height was too high.
"Wow, that is one big mountain," he looked at me with a mischievous smile, "Too bad you don't have more faith."
My jaw dropped in surprise. Did he just say that? Was he joking? Why would he say such a thing?
"Aw, come on. That was a good one." His eyes drooped in sadness, then quickly returned to a smile. He stepped back to the tree and sat down. "I thought it was funny," he said as much to himself as to me. "Come on, let's talk." He patted the ground next to him, inviting me to sit down.
I was guarded. Anymore, I was always guarded. This wasn't an eager moment for me. I wanted to talk to him, to hear what he had to say. I wanted to be free, I had to be free. I knew I couldn't carry on in my life the way I have been, but I was filled with so much doubt.
Doubt. I laughed. To myself at first, but then it caught momentum. It was uncontrollable. I would try to stifle it, but then burst out again. Doubt. I couldn't contain it, pent up emotion being released. Jesus was smiling and laughing with me. I doubled over, it felt unnatural to laugh so hard. I would start to settle down and then erupt into laughter again. I don't know how long I went on that way, but after some time, with tears in my eyes and a pain in my stomach, I made my way over to sit next to Jesus.
"I told you it was a good one," he said leaning into me and giving me a hug.
____________________
Mark 11:22-23 ... Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.
continue to part 8- Epiphany
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Misery
Romans 8:1 ... there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
This is part 6 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation)
____________________
After Jesus had pulled me back up the ledge he stepped back and looked at me, beaming. His smile was so big, it caught me off guard. I gingerly stepped away from the ledge edge and rubbed my shoulder, unable to think of anything to say.
With a final appraisal, he said, "Ok, then. Let's go." He effortlessly hopped off the edge to the ledge below and disappeared where I had struggled up from before. He took a couple of steps where I could see him again and turned back to look at me. He raised his eyebrows in an unspoken, "Are you coming?"
I looked towards the cave I had fled from, confused. Not that I wanted to go back there, but surely that was where we should go. I looked back at Jesus below with a questioning look of my own.
"That's not the way. C'mon, I'll help you down," and he took a step forward his head dissappearing out of sight again.
I shuffled forward to the edge of the cliff and could see him waiting for me. Climbing down was always so much harder than climbing up. Looking past Jesus, I could see the river below, distant and ominous. The ledge I was on seemed a much safer place to be and I backed up a step or two.
I let out my breath, unaware I had been holding it. I really didn't want to go anywhere. I was emotionally exhausted. From the climb up, from the effort it took to walk into the cave, from the failure of having run away from it and from the certainty I was going to fall to my death. I was too tired to climb back down, but I certainly didn't want to go back into the blackness. "Urgh," I moaned, as I reflected on these things.
I was a mess. I was confused. How can Jesus accept me like this? Here I was thinking I was doing the right thing and he tells me it is not the way. You can't hear God. I can't hear God. How many times have I done something only to discover that's not what God meant? I wanted to do the right thing, but I got it wrong so many times why should I bother trying anymore? Surely, there were more capable people that can actually hear God. It used to be so easy to know what to do and I just did it. Now, it felt I had misstepped so often I would be more of a detriment to God's purpose than a help.
However, I still wanted to please God and the thought of letting Jesus see me in this state of confusion and uncertainty moved me to action. I smirked at the irony. I put on my false confidence and peered over the ledge again.
"Feet first would probably be best," Jesus said with a gentle smile.
I turned around and got down on my knees. I backed up slowly until my knees and then my thighs were sliding over the cliff edge. As I shimmied backward the rock began to dig into my stomach. I could feel it scraping as my shirt pulled up. Oh God, don't let me fall. My feet were searching eagerly for a place to step, and I felt Jesus grab my foot. I continued to lower myself down as he guided each of my feet into a foothold. Once I was on solid ground again, I brushed myself off and straightened my clothes.
Jesus looked at me, "You OK?"
"Yes," I lied, and immediately regretted it. Why would I lie to Jesus? He knows exactly what I am thinking and even that I'm lying. Stupid. Stupid. But somehow I managed to say, "Yes," a second time, as if saying it twice would make it truthful.
He smiled, "OK," and turned around and began making his way down the trail. Defeated and angry at myself I followed after him. Why do I do that? Am I so used to false pretenses, that to lie about how I am doing to Jesus himself came that easily? I shook my head in dismay. Maybe I should say something? Confess my sins. Ask for forgiveness. No words came to my mouth. You brought this on yourself. I don't deserve his forgiveness.
And so we continued down the trail. I trudged along, ashamed of myself. My inner voice making relentless accusations that were all true. Jesus would stop now and then and look at me. Maybe to see if I was still following, maybe to see if I needed help. I never made eye contact, how could I? Once I caught up, he would continue on and I just followed after, head hung low, lost in my own misery.
You are a failure. Nobody needs you. God doesn't love you. You've let Him down.
____________________
continue to part 7- Hysterical
This is part 6 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 5- Veritas Liberabit Vos)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation; Part 4- Hesitation)
____________________
After Jesus had pulled me back up the ledge he stepped back and looked at me, beaming. His smile was so big, it caught me off guard. I gingerly stepped away from the ledge edge and rubbed my shoulder, unable to think of anything to say.
With a final appraisal, he said, "Ok, then. Let's go." He effortlessly hopped off the edge to the ledge below and disappeared where I had struggled up from before. He took a couple of steps where I could see him again and turned back to look at me. He raised his eyebrows in an unspoken, "Are you coming?"
I looked towards the cave I had fled from, confused. Not that I wanted to go back there, but surely that was where we should go. I looked back at Jesus below with a questioning look of my own.
"That's not the way. C'mon, I'll help you down," and he took a step forward his head dissappearing out of sight again.
I shuffled forward to the edge of the cliff and could see him waiting for me. Climbing down was always so much harder than climbing up. Looking past Jesus, I could see the river below, distant and ominous. The ledge I was on seemed a much safer place to be and I backed up a step or two.
I let out my breath, unaware I had been holding it. I really didn't want to go anywhere. I was emotionally exhausted. From the climb up, from the effort it took to walk into the cave, from the failure of having run away from it and from the certainty I was going to fall to my death. I was too tired to climb back down, but I certainly didn't want to go back into the blackness. "Urgh," I moaned, as I reflected on these things.
I was a mess. I was confused. How can Jesus accept me like this? Here I was thinking I was doing the right thing and he tells me it is not the way. You can't hear God. I can't hear God. How many times have I done something only to discover that's not what God meant? I wanted to do the right thing, but I got it wrong so many times why should I bother trying anymore? Surely, there were more capable people that can actually hear God. It used to be so easy to know what to do and I just did it. Now, it felt I had misstepped so often I would be more of a detriment to God's purpose than a help.
However, I still wanted to please God and the thought of letting Jesus see me in this state of confusion and uncertainty moved me to action. I smirked at the irony. I put on my false confidence and peered over the ledge again.
"Feet first would probably be best," Jesus said with a gentle smile.
I turned around and got down on my knees. I backed up slowly until my knees and then my thighs were sliding over the cliff edge. As I shimmied backward the rock began to dig into my stomach. I could feel it scraping as my shirt pulled up. Oh God, don't let me fall. My feet were searching eagerly for a place to step, and I felt Jesus grab my foot. I continued to lower myself down as he guided each of my feet into a foothold. Once I was on solid ground again, I brushed myself off and straightened my clothes.
Jesus looked at me, "You OK?"
"Yes," I lied, and immediately regretted it. Why would I lie to Jesus? He knows exactly what I am thinking and even that I'm lying. Stupid. Stupid. But somehow I managed to say, "Yes," a second time, as if saying it twice would make it truthful.
He smiled, "OK," and turned around and began making his way down the trail. Defeated and angry at myself I followed after him. Why do I do that? Am I so used to false pretenses, that to lie about how I am doing to Jesus himself came that easily? I shook my head in dismay. Maybe I should say something? Confess my sins. Ask for forgiveness. No words came to my mouth. You brought this on yourself. I don't deserve his forgiveness.
And so we continued down the trail. I trudged along, ashamed of myself. My inner voice making relentless accusations that were all true. Jesus would stop now and then and look at me. Maybe to see if I was still following, maybe to see if I needed help. I never made eye contact, how could I? Once I caught up, he would continue on and I just followed after, head hung low, lost in my own misery.
You are a failure. Nobody needs you. God doesn't love you. You've let Him down.
____________________
continue to part 7- Hysterical
Friday, October 1, 2010
Veritas Liberabit Vos
Hebrews 12:15 ... See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
This is part 5 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 4- Hesitation)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation)
____________________
I must have sat down, stood up, paced around and sat down again a hundred times. Why was this so difficult? I already knew the answer: I hated my inner dialog. And here I was confronted with facing the depths of my mind. The darkness before me represented everything I hated about myself and that is where this trail led. The trail we had prayed for to find "a way out". The truth will set you free. These words entered my mind once again. The encouragement they had held on the climb up, was gone, now they rang as a taunt.
"I can't handle the truth," I mumbled out loud and chuckled, finding little mirth in my words. "I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" I yelled out in anger towards the unmoving sun, and slumped to the ground once again. I wanted to cry, to let the tears flow and find solace in my sorrow, but they wouldn't come. Why was this so difficult?
I sat and stared at the hole of darkness. You can't do this. I have to do this. You can't do this. I was so cruel to myself, I was my worst enemy. I suppose this whole cliff represented that very thing. I was trapped in this place because I had accepted, as truth, so many lies. I am a horrible husband, I can't be a good father, I am a terrible leader. These things came to my mind unbidden and lingered there. The cave mouth threatened to rip me apart like the maw of some mythical creature if I dared to enter it. I imagined saliva dripping from its teeth in anticipation of devouring this tasty morsel.
I shook the image from my head, "Whatever," I spoke aloud and stood boldly. I walked to the cave and without hesitation I stepped from the light into the darkness. I closed my eyes in expectation of something and cringed.
I stopped, fully engulfed in the darkness, and opened my eyes again. Nothing. Just blackness. I turned behind me and could see the light from the entrance. I felt around, just barely able to reach the walls to either side or the roof above me. With so much room, I didn't feel claustrophobic. I shuffled forward, not wanting to trip on the unseen, and constantly waved my arms in front, above and next to me. The thought made me smile, I must have looked silly. I was feeling confident, the fear having subsided.
I moved in this manner ever so slowly, but the light from the cave mouth seemed much more distant now. It was my only point of reference and indicated I was moving forward in a straight line. What are you doing here? My inner voice, though silenced for a moment, spoke up again.
Why are you doing this? Because I have to ...
You have to do what? I have to be free from the lies ...
They aren't lies, you know that. They are. I said this inwardly with more confidence than I felt. I already knew how this conversation would end.
You were unfaithful to your wife. My heart sank. It was the truth. It wasn't a lie. It was always the first thing I reminded myself of. I was unfaithful to my wife. I had sex with someone else before I was married.
You took your wife's purity. My heart sank. It was the truth. It wasn't a lie. I pressured her into having sex before we were married and then tried to believe we didn't.
You have committed adultery. My heart sank. It was the truth. It wasn't a lie. Jesus even says if you look at a woman with lust in your heart, you have committed adultery. Pornography has too often been a vice.
I had nothing to say. How could I respond? It was true. I wanted to be free from the lies, but how do I escape the truth?
You can't please your wife. Wha .. ? My wife loves me!
You are a failure as a husband. That's not true ...
She'd be better off with out you. I ...
And this is how it went. I would remind myself of my failures and the truth became indistinguishable from the lies. It always started this way and with that foothold, the accusations would come in a flurry. Still caught in trying to defend or justify a truth, I couldn't dispute the lies. Taken one at a time, I could start to form rational thoughts about being forgiven and being a new creation, but those thoughts never came one at a time.
You are selfish. You don't love your wife as Christ loved the church. You are lazy. You don't spend enough time with your kids. You expect to much from your son. You are a horrible father. You can't hear God. You stifle the Spirit ...
I began backing away from the unseen voice, flailing my arms in defense of this verbal barrage.
You don't deserve to be at your job. You are an incompetent leader. You have nothing to offer. You don't take care of yourself. Nobody likes you. You are a hypocrite. You cast judgment on others. You are a liar.
No. No. No. No. The only words I could form under this onslaught. I couldn't do this. I was even a failure at this. My own voice began to take up the mantra of my inner voice. It was true, all of it. With my eyes squeezed closed in foolish protection I didn't notice when I backed my way out of the darkness. Slumped over, waving my arms in desperation, I continued to stumble backwards to escape. I was a failure. I could never succeed. Why should I try. My inner voice had fallen silent as I continued my self-attack.
It was too late when I realized I had backed my way to the edge of the cliff, my balance was already lost. My eyes shot open and I threw my arms about, frantically trying to regain my balance. Of course it would end this way, I thought as I resigned myself to falling, I deserve to die.
In that moment, I felt a strong hand grab my forearm. My fingers instinctively tried to grab back. My body lurched as it awkwardly adjusted to this new anchor, swung down and bounced off the cliff face below the ledge with a thud and an, "oof." I twisted painfully under the strained of my arm being pulled over my head.
I looked up into the most beautiful face. The eyes were full of compassion and love and concern. His mouth turned into a slight smile as he said, "Hey." Jesus. Jesus was reaching over the ledge, my arm in his grasp.
All I could think of to say was, "Hey," in return, and he began to pull me back up to the ledge I had fallen from.
____________________
continue to part 6- Misery
This is part 5 of a story to help me process ... and discover Freedom. (continued from part 4- Hesitation)
(Part 1- Where am I?; Part 2- Discombobulation; Part 3- Revelation)
____________________
I must have sat down, stood up, paced around and sat down again a hundred times. Why was this so difficult? I already knew the answer: I hated my inner dialog. And here I was confronted with facing the depths of my mind. The darkness before me represented everything I hated about myself and that is where this trail led. The trail we had prayed for to find "a way out". The truth will set you free. These words entered my mind once again. The encouragement they had held on the climb up, was gone, now they rang as a taunt.
"I can't handle the truth," I mumbled out loud and chuckled, finding little mirth in my words. "I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" I yelled out in anger towards the unmoving sun, and slumped to the ground once again. I wanted to cry, to let the tears flow and find solace in my sorrow, but they wouldn't come. Why was this so difficult?
I sat and stared at the hole of darkness. You can't do this. I have to do this. You can't do this. I was so cruel to myself, I was my worst enemy. I suppose this whole cliff represented that very thing. I was trapped in this place because I had accepted, as truth, so many lies. I am a horrible husband, I can't be a good father, I am a terrible leader. These things came to my mind unbidden and lingered there. The cave mouth threatened to rip me apart like the maw of some mythical creature if I dared to enter it. I imagined saliva dripping from its teeth in anticipation of devouring this tasty morsel.
I shook the image from my head, "Whatever," I spoke aloud and stood boldly. I walked to the cave and without hesitation I stepped from the light into the darkness. I closed my eyes in expectation of something and cringed.
I stopped, fully engulfed in the darkness, and opened my eyes again. Nothing. Just blackness. I turned behind me and could see the light from the entrance. I felt around, just barely able to reach the walls to either side or the roof above me. With so much room, I didn't feel claustrophobic. I shuffled forward, not wanting to trip on the unseen, and constantly waved my arms in front, above and next to me. The thought made me smile, I must have looked silly. I was feeling confident, the fear having subsided.
I moved in this manner ever so slowly, but the light from the cave mouth seemed much more distant now. It was my only point of reference and indicated I was moving forward in a straight line. What are you doing here? My inner voice, though silenced for a moment, spoke up again.
Why are you doing this? Because I have to ...
You have to do what? I have to be free from the lies ...
They aren't lies, you know that. They are. I said this inwardly with more confidence than I felt. I already knew how this conversation would end.
You were unfaithful to your wife. My heart sank. It was the truth. It wasn't a lie. It was always the first thing I reminded myself of. I was unfaithful to my wife. I had sex with someone else before I was married.
You took your wife's purity. My heart sank. It was the truth. It wasn't a lie. I pressured her into having sex before we were married and then tried to believe we didn't.
You have committed adultery. My heart sank. It was the truth. It wasn't a lie. Jesus even says if you look at a woman with lust in your heart, you have committed adultery. Pornography has too often been a vice.
I had nothing to say. How could I respond? It was true. I wanted to be free from the lies, but how do I escape the truth?
You can't please your wife. Wha .. ? My wife loves me!
You are a failure as a husband. That's not true ...
She'd be better off with out you. I ...
And this is how it went. I would remind myself of my failures and the truth became indistinguishable from the lies. It always started this way and with that foothold, the accusations would come in a flurry. Still caught in trying to defend or justify a truth, I couldn't dispute the lies. Taken one at a time, I could start to form rational thoughts about being forgiven and being a new creation, but those thoughts never came one at a time.
You are selfish. You don't love your wife as Christ loved the church. You are lazy. You don't spend enough time with your kids. You expect to much from your son. You are a horrible father. You can't hear God. You stifle the Spirit ...
I began backing away from the unseen voice, flailing my arms in defense of this verbal barrage.
You don't deserve to be at your job. You are an incompetent leader. You have nothing to offer. You don't take care of yourself. Nobody likes you. You are a hypocrite. You cast judgment on others. You are a liar.
No. No. No. No. The only words I could form under this onslaught. I couldn't do this. I was even a failure at this. My own voice began to take up the mantra of my inner voice. It was true, all of it. With my eyes squeezed closed in foolish protection I didn't notice when I backed my way out of the darkness. Slumped over, waving my arms in desperation, I continued to stumble backwards to escape. I was a failure. I could never succeed. Why should I try. My inner voice had fallen silent as I continued my self-attack.
It was too late when I realized I had backed my way to the edge of the cliff, my balance was already lost. My eyes shot open and I threw my arms about, frantically trying to regain my balance. Of course it would end this way, I thought as I resigned myself to falling, I deserve to die.
In that moment, I felt a strong hand grab my forearm. My fingers instinctively tried to grab back. My body lurched as it awkwardly adjusted to this new anchor, swung down and bounced off the cliff face below the ledge with a thud and an, "oof." I twisted painfully under the strained of my arm being pulled over my head.
I looked up into the most beautiful face. The eyes were full of compassion and love and concern. His mouth turned into a slight smile as he said, "Hey." Jesus. Jesus was reaching over the ledge, my arm in his grasp.
All I could think of to say was, "Hey," in return, and he began to pull me back up to the ledge I had fallen from.
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continue to part 6- Misery
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