When The Past Catches Up With You ...

Have you ever been on a long road trip?  Cruising in the fast lane, "going with the flow of traffic", making good time? Then realize it would be nice to stretch your legs, maybe use the bathroom or get something to eat, so you find a good place to stop?  Then, after you are back on the road, back in the fast lane, you catch up and pass the same car you passed 50 miles ago?

Then that car becomes your highway arch-nemesis?  Where it seems for the entire length of the freeway through the next state, you are ever "leapfrogging" with this clever rival?  Your bladder gets a little fuller as you try to hold off as long as possible to make your next stop, knowing you will lose the valuable lead you have attained.  Your stomach growls a little louder in protest to your oversight of the last 6 food signs.  Your travel-mates grow restless unaware of the highway battle that is ensuing.

My past is like that.  There is a period of my life (of which the time frame is kind of hazy) in 1994/1995 where my decision making skills were, shall we say, being challenged.  And there have been many times where there has been something, sometime, somewhere, that has reminded me of those days.  And then I get on with my life and leave those memories behind.

However, the problem is, that many of my guilt and shame issues come directly from that time period.  Mainly around sex.  So, "getting on with my life", has really been more along the lines of, "stuffing these emotions and memories in a box and trying to leave it behind and never think of it again".

Recently, via Facebook, someone "found" me from the era of my life, which in turn has become other people finding me.  Which in turn has become being tagged in a picture or two.

My sister (who has her own blog) can confirm or deny if she is in this photo

So now, it feels like instead of "leapfrogging" my Highway adversary, they have pulled into the same resaurant I have stopped at and are walking through the front doors.  Our eyes lock onto each other with an unspoken understanding.  

Perhaps it's time I introduce myself.

Twin Falls Hike (Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry)

First stop on Twin Falls hike ... usually missed by other hikers (off the main trail)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop number #2 on Twin Falls hike.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop #3 on the twin falls hike ....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Same stop (#3) from the top...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop #5 (no pictures of stop #4 ... There were nudists there) .... Were going to swim here, but the kids changed there minds. Caleb slipped in though ...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop #5 "upsteam"
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop #6 ... The upper falls ....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Last Stop ... (back to the first stop) ... to finally swim.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

How Beautiful Are the Feet ....

I remember, a long time ago, a message given by Pat Hamman at Northwest Community Church.  Actually, I don't remember the message, per se, as that I remember an illustration he used in the message.  He quoted Romans 10:15, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" (Which, of course, is a quote (paraphrase) of Isaiah 52:7).  I don't remember why he specifically used that illustration, but I do remember that he went on to describe his feet as the ugliest, nastiest feet ... but because "he brought good news", they were beautiful.

I have ugly feet.  I remember thinking (I was probably in my early 20's or late teens), "his feet are probably not as ugly as mine."  Granted I don't have leprosy or any severe foot fungus, but my toes are crooked, my toes are also webbed and I get weird foot sores sometimes.

They are so ugly ...

I have always been self-conscious of my feet.  Growing up in the Northwest, there was rare occasion to have my feet "on display".  Wearing shoes and socks most of the time, they were hidden away.  But then there were times when it couldn't be avoided.  Inevitably, at some gathering of some sort, mostly because of my "webbed" toes, someone (usually family) who had seen them would declare, "You have to see Paul's feet!" 

Am I a novelty!?  To be displayed between the "Bearded Lady" and an "Albino Crocodile"?

I remember one particularly scarring incident.  I was in junior high, and our family went to "Wild Waves" (a water slide park).  My dad and I were going down the big slide over and over.  He was perfecting his method to go faster and relaying to me his trial and errors.  "Get up on your heels and shoulder blades," he proclaimed, "But not too fast, I ran into the person in front of me last time."  I remember standing in line, excited to go faster, probably envisioning an outside pass inside the water tube.  Then all of a sudden, my excitement was deflated.  A couple of girls in the line next to us were snickering and whispering to eachother, "Look at his feet!"  and, "Oh my gosh they are so ugly!"

Combined with my already heightened self-consciousness of being in Junior High, wearing no shirt* and my peculiar feet, I was devastated.  I don't remember much of the rest of our time there, I was depressed and enjoyed none of it.

Fast forward 20 plus years.  We now live in Hawaii, where bare feet and flip flops are everyday things.  There are "Beautiful Feet" everywhere!

Apparently crooked and webbed toes are hereditary.

____________________
*Maybe someday I'll write about why "no shirt" is a self conscious thing ... even to this day.

Dagnabbit *facepalm*

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Did you notice?  Probably not, but I did.  I was doing so good too.  Dagnabbit.  *facepalm*

Bitter Roots?

So, I continue to seek and discover my "issues".  We've all got issues that impact the way we judge and perceive the world around us.  For me, I've begun to realize how deeply impactful some of these are in how I go about my everyday life.

I've always known I have certain tendencies, but have always felt them quite minor compare to people who have issues that put them in a mental hospital or jail.  (I have avoided both of those, so far).

But it doesn't change the fact that there are things that have happened in my life that have caused me to be a certain way.  Both good and bad.  I've set out to discover those "bad" things and hopefully find ways to change for the good.

I read an article recently about the difference between shame and guilt.  (I have always associated them as basically the same).  Shame is bad, guilt is good.  "Shame is bad because it attacks the person, not the action. Shame is about who you are while guilt is about what you've done. Guilt says, "What you did is bad. Correct it." Shame says, "YOU are bad and there is no fixing it!" Shame leaves you hopeless and rejected. Guilt moves you to restoration and recovery.*"

Our church has had a couple of teachings about the effect of "bitter roots" in our lives.  Imagine that your life is a tree. Your roots are what pull nutrients into your life and feed you. But what if those roots are bad? What if they are feeding you poison instead of nutrients? You've got a problem. But emotionally, that's what often happens. And the result is a shame-based life.

The same gentleman as above mentions there are 5 main areas of shame:

1. Abuse - (physical, sexual, verbal, spiritual)
2. Ridicule - (emotions, appearance, actions, etc)
3. Neglect - (forgotten or ignored, not being loved)
4. Family Secrets - (addiction, incest, health, criminal activities, etc)
5. Trauma - (accidents or death that are experienced)

Wow.  As I am contemplating what this journey may entail, it seems kind of daunting.  Do I really want to remember standing in line at the water slides and those girls snickered and made fun of my feet?  Do I really want recall my parents arguing one time that resulted in a broken plate of dinner?  Do I really want to reflect on a friend who committed suicide?

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::
____________________
*quoted from Remy Diederich from his November 18, 2006 entry in his blog http://lifechangeseminars.blogspot.com/

I Don't Have Time to Maintain These Regrets

There is a worship song that has definately become one of my favorites ... "He Loves Us" written by John Mark McMillan.  You may have heard it performed by Hillsong United or by Jesus Culture or by David Crowder.

Here is the song, performed by John Mark McMillan. He is jealous for me Loves like a hurricane I am a tree Bending beneath The weight of his wind and mercy When all of a sudden I am unaware of these Afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize how beautiful you are And how great your afflictions for me Oh how he loves us so Oh how he loves us How he loves us so Yea He loves us Oh how We are his portion And he is our prize Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes If grace is an ocean we're all sinking So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss And my heart burns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about the way He loves us Oh how he loves us so Oh how he loves us How he loves us so Yea He loves us Oh how I thought about you The day Stephen died And you met me between my breaking I know that I still love you God Despite the agony See people they want to tell me your cruel But if Stephen could sing He'd say its not true Cause your good

The main reason I love this song, is that it puts into the forefront of my mind the reminder that God loves us.  That He loves me.  I know, I know ... you are probably thinking you want to ask me, "Paul have you ever read the Bible?"  The Bible is wrought full of how much God loves us ... In fact, He loves us so much, He sent His one and only son ... ... and I believe it.

The problem isn't so much with believing that God loves me, but living like God loves me.  My favorite line in this song is, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets".  For me, this sums up where my problem lies.  I have shared before that I have issues with my "worth" (or rather worthlessness) and wondered from where it stems.  This lyric puts into words that very thing I have been wondering.

I first heard this song at East Lake Community Church when we were visiting for a baby dedication (almost 2 years ago?).  I loved it from the get go.  They sang it loud and we were singing a worship song with lyrics about a sloppy wet kiss.  Then a good friend of ours burned a CD of worship songs for my wife (who has her own blog) with this song on it.  The kids and I love to belt out "He loves us" when singing along around the house.  Our church also sings this song fairly regularly during our worship.  I have heard and sung this song countless times.

Recently, when singing this song at church, I had an epiphany while singing my favorite line.  It literally caused me to stop singing and contemplate my thoughts.  As I was singing that line, I heard my own voice casually telling me, "No, you have time."  I stopped singing.

:: reenactment ::
"What?" I asked.
"You have time," I replied.
"I don't understand."
"You were just singing how you don't have time to maintain your regrets, but you do," I explained
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you make time. You maintain your regrets quite well, in fact."

What do you do with that?  I mean besides the fact that I was having a conversation with myself.  In essence, that conversation summed up a core part of my shame, guilt and worth issues.  I maintained my regrets.  As long as I am maintaining my regrets, there is not much room to walk in forgiveness.  If I am not forgiving myself, how can I begin to accept God's forgiveness?  And ultimately, how can I live like God loves me?  I believe it (in my head), but I don't live it (from my heart). 

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::

My Circumstances Don't Define Me

Many of us have had an "interesting" past couple of years.  We have had to change our habits and make adjustments in our life styles.  And it feels like there is no end in sight.

(calm down ... I'm not gonna say, "Consider it a pure joy ... ")

There are many different ways to respond to your circumstances.  And people around us can have suggestions on how we should respond to our circumstances.  It seems much easier to see an obvious solution to someone else's problems, than to recognize one for ourselves.

I was reminded recently of Naomi, from the book of Ruth in the Bible.  Naomi was the wife of Elimelech.  There was a famine in Israel, and Elimelech elected to move his family to Moab.  While in Moab, Elimelech dies, Naomi's sons marry Moabite women (Ruth and Orpah) and then her sons also die.  Naomi decides to return to her home and encourages her daughter-in-laws to return to theirs saying, "No, my daughters; for it is harder for me than for you, for the hand of the LORD has gone forth against me." [Ruth 1:13], but Ruth stays with Naomi.

William Blake (1795) - Naomi entreating Ruth and Orpah to return to the land of Moab

The circumstances of Naomi (which means, "pleasant; agreeable; my sweet" in Hebrew) were:  She had experienced a famine, was taken from her home, and lost her husband and only sons.  Her conclusion was that God was against her.  In fact, when she got back to her homeland,

She said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. "I went out full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?" [Ruth 1:20,21]

Naomi allowed her circumstances to define her to the point of changing her name.  Mara means bitter.  Don't get me wrong, those circumstances are pretty rough.  But sometimes we get so focused inward, we can no longer see outward.  Or we are so caught up with the tree, we can't see the forest.  The story continues, that Ruth is "redeemed" by her husband's kinsman, Boaz and becomes the mother of Obed, who becomes the father of Jesse, who becomes the father of David ... King David whom Jesus is descended from.

How many times have we gone through a hard circumstance only to look back on it with a different perspective than when we were "in" it?  I am certainly not perfect, but I try hard not to let my circumstances define me.  Could you imagine if I asked you to start calling me "Bitter" or "Frustrated" or "Ican'tbelievetheydidthatthingagain!"?

I control what I control

and I go with the flow

'cause that's how I roll

and now you know.  What!?

::prayer:: Lord, help me remember that you are in control of all things and win or lose I will praise you ::endprayer::

I Sometimes Forget I Have a House in Washington

It's true.  I don't always think about the reality that we still have a house in Monroe.

Also known as the "yellow house"

Since we have been in Maui for a year now, our lives are pretty focused on what we are doing here.  Mandy sends our renters a monthly "rent due" reminder, but other than that ... out of sight, out of mind.

It is strange to think about that.  When we found our "yellow house", it really was a huge blessing.  My wife (who has her own blog) and I had been living in our "blue house" on Maple St. for awhile (we moved there July 2000, right before Caleb was born).  It was a 2 bedroom house and by the time Micah was born it was awfully crowded (I am the father of four).

The kiddos in front of the "blue house" 2005

We had been been complaining to one another how the house was just too small for our family.  At one point, we had had a chimney fire that put all the kiddos into our room.  But God kept reminding us to be content with what we had.  To be a good steward of what we had.  We finally began to understand what that meant.  We reevaluated our thinking.  We were fortunate to even have a house and even got to the point where we figured we good live another 4 or 5 years there and make it work.

After a few months of our new attitude about our living conditions, my wife's sister sent a link to a house she found online.  The real estate agent (Kevin Hunt) went to our church, so we thought it would be a good excuse to get to know him for when we eventually would look for a house.

It turned out he also owned the house.  He and his son had bought the house as a foreclosure and fixed it up to resell.  He was willing to sell us the house at a very reasonable price and help us sell our house.  Mandy and I prayed about it and looked at the house and prayed while we were there and felt a release to buy it.  I believe that because of our attitude change about our housing condition, God honored our needs.

Within a short time, we moved into our new house (January 2006).  It was everything we "needed" and many "bonus" things we wouldn't have thought of.  Off the top of my head:

• It had 4 bedrooms (2 downstairs and 2 upstairs)
• It was on a Cul-de-sac
• It had a driveway! (curb parking only on Maple St.)
• It had a room we could use for an office
• It had a bonus room for Mandy to use (Homeschooling and Crafts)
• It had a downstairs play area
• It had an upstairs "reading" room
• It had a big kitchen
• It had a large eating area
• It had a garage (for storage)
• It had a yard (in the back)
• etc, etc, etc

It met our every need and then some.  God is awesome.  The house even had a couple of different options we could have done to make more bedrooms for the kids if we wanted them to each have their own room when they got older.  In fact, Mandy and I were certain this was the house we would live in until the kids graduated.  Now we live in Maui.

(As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:9)

Our Maui House

Sons of Halver

I am a Halverson.  In our culture, our family name is patronymic; it conveys the lineage from the fathers side of an even earlier male ancestor.  We are the sons of Halver.

Not this Triple H

I am exceedingly proud of my heritage.  Being the only son of my father, I am solely responsible for carrying on our family name.  That can sometimes be a bit of a burden to bear considering the triple-H implications.  What is our history?  What is our heritage?  And possibly most importantly, who was Halver? 

I find that I sometimes struggle with my expectations of being Halver's son.  Am I worthy to bear this name?  Will my sons be as proud of their name as I am?

My immediate experience with our history comes from my grandfather and my father. These are great men and surely worthy to be called Sons of Halver.

Grandpa:  Hard-working

Dad:  Self-sacrificing and Loyal

Me:  Will Halver be proud?

When I think of these men, it is hard to not be in awe and wonder if my own sons and grandsons will reflect on me with similar inspiration. 

As to other Halverson's of historical note, I have no idea.  Apparently we are a prolific lot (73,515 from the 1920 census)and you can find us mostly in Minnesota and Wisconsin (and bordering states*) as well as Washington state.

There are 14 Paul Halverson's on Facebook.  Richard Halverson was a chaplain to the U.S. Senate from 1981 to 1994 and Courtney Halverson is a "famous" actress.

Our heritage is Scandinavian (Norwegian, Swedish and Danish), with alternate known spellings of Halverson being Halvorson, Halvorsen and Halversen.  (Any Alverston, Alterson, and Averton are posers and only wish they could be considered Sons of Halver)**.   We are Vikings.  Víking refers to an overseas expedition (Old Norse fara í víking "to go on an expedition"), and víkingr, to a seaman or warrior taking part in such an expedition.

Vikings, in our modern era, have a poor reputation as savages and pagans mostly due to Adam of Bremen.  Mr. of Bremen chronicled Scandinavian history in his 4th book which was likely written to inspire future missionaries to the desperate need of the Vikings.

Eirik: "That's it, I'm going to kill Adam of Bremen!"
Jorgan: "Don't you think that's just proving he's right?"
Eirik: "But he is misrepresenting us!"
Jorgan: "Only history will tell how we are remembered.  Just be yourself."

However, Vikings were great explorers and warriors.  They had a code of honor among their culture that was misunderstood by those they encountered.  They were likely the cleanest people of their time and knew that first impressions would last.  But as with any people group exploring beyond their territory, one's ethos can come in conflict with another's, resulting in war and, er, conflict.  Vikings were quick to take advantage of their environment and adapted to be shrewd businessmen and are remembered as barbarians.

Bjorn: "Hey look!  Those people seem nice!"

You may ask yourself, where does Halver fit into this quagmire of reputation?  In the Scandinavian culture Halver wasn't originally a name, so much as it was an occupation^{[citation needed]}.  As was the case with many cultures before surnames were used, families might have been known by what they did.  The Smith's worked metal,  the Wagner's made or drove wagons, and the Tyler's created tile.  These are just a few examples (see here for more).  And as time passed and families expanded they were ever tied to their family history, though they may no longer be in the same line of work.  They became the sons of.

So what is it that a Halver did?  The name Halver is a variant of Halvard from the Old Norse Hallvarðr, composed of the elements hallr ‘rock’ + varðr ‘guardian’, ‘defender’.  The original Halvers were responsible for guarding the business acquisitions of an expedition ^{[citation needed]}, and ultimately responsible for dividing the proceeds to all who were involved.  A Halver was an important role on any outing and only those with honor and integrity were considered for the task.

As I reflect upon what it means to be a Halverson, I find that only time will tell if I have lived up to our name.  My grandfather and father have set an example to strive for with their history.  I am a part of a gregarious people with Viking heritage.  And though I may not be a halver, I still am to be a rock and guardian for my family.  I cannot control my history or heritage, but I can shape my future and what becomes the legacy of my sons, the sons of Halver, for our name will live on.

Son One

Son Two

____________________

*bordering states of Minnesota and Wisconsin are North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa and Illinois

**it's true.  Saxon's have been trying for years to claim Scandinavian lineage because Vikings kick Saxon butt.  Over half the battles fought between 836 and 1016 were won in Saxon territory which the chronicler failed to mention.  Besides look at their crest and pretend battle.

meh.

Saxon's pretending to be Vikings. (pink painted shield = exhibit A)

If you are looking for a good novels about the wars between the Danes (vikings) and Saxons, these are a great read:  The Saxon Tales, by Bernard Cornwell.



Or even better on Audio CD, performed by Jamie Glover.

Back in the Day (I'm Not a Kid Anymore)

I like music.  I like any kind of music.  And then the music lyrics embed themselves into the recesses of my mind and lie in wait.  It is not unusual for me to quote a song lyric or break into song when someone says something that triggers it in conversation.  They come unbidden and sometimes out of nowhere.

Sometimes they are common or known songs.  Like someone might say to me, "I hope you have a good night."  And I would reply in song, "I gotta feeling ... that tonight's gonna be a good night."

Or, if one of my kids are playing with their food and say, "I don't want to eat it."  I might sing to them, "Just eat it! Eat it! Eat it!" 

But sometimes, the lyrics that come out of my mouth are obscure ... like someone might say to me, "Hey Paul, who was that guy?"  And I most likely as not will start singing, "Who's that guy? Where did he come from?"  There are very few people that acknowledge I'm singing a known song.  (Or even acknowledge I'm singing.)

But then there is this one song I quote.  I usually remember the lyrics when someone is talking about their past or when they were a kid, and I'll say, "I remember when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore, but sometimes I wish I was a kid again.*"  Until recently, I didn't know what song that was.  I thought it was something by the Digable Planets, but I could never find it when I searched for their songs on Google.  However, this last time that song came to mind, it stuck in my head.  I remember liking that song and I wanted to hear it again (not just my recollection of that particular lyric).  So this time I just googled the lyrics as I remembered them.  The lyrics I remembered weren't exact, but they were close enough to find the song.  "Back in the Day" by Ahmad. 

Who?  Apparently Ahmad was a West Coast rapper and "Back in the Day" was his first (and only) release from his solo debut album.  He was a one hit wonder and I remember lyrics from his one hit (made it up to #26 on the Bill Board Top 100 in 1994).  Crazy.  Apparently I only remembered the chorus, I don't specifically remember the rest of the song.  But I still like it.

And I found the music video on YouTube ... Ain't the internet grand?

____________________

*Sorry about that.  I didn't link this lyric (because of the video included), but since all the other song lyrics were blue for sake of consistancy I changed the font color.

Also ... music featured in this article ... if you are interested.