I Don't Have Time to Maintain These Regrets

There is a worship song that has definately become one of my favorites ... "He Loves Us" written by John Mark McMillan.  You may have heard it performed by Hillsong United or by Jesus Culture or by David Crowder.

Here is the song, performed by John Mark McMillan. He is jealous for me Loves like a hurricane I am a tree Bending beneath The weight of his wind and mercy When all of a sudden I am unaware of these Afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize how beautiful you are And how great your afflictions for me Oh how he loves us so Oh how he loves us How he loves us so Yea He loves us Oh how We are his portion And he is our prize Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes If grace is an ocean we're all sinking So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss And my heart burns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about the way He loves us Oh how he loves us so Oh how he loves us How he loves us so Yea He loves us Oh how I thought about you The day Stephen died And you met me between my breaking I know that I still love you God Despite the agony See people they want to tell me your cruel But if Stephen could sing He'd say its not true Cause your good

The main reason I love this song, is that it puts into the forefront of my mind the reminder that God loves us.  That He loves me.  I know, I know ... you are probably thinking you want to ask me, "Paul have you ever read the Bible?"  The Bible is wrought full of how much God loves us ... In fact, He loves us so much, He sent His one and only son ... ... and I believe it.

The problem isn't so much with believing that God loves me, but living like God loves me.  My favorite line in this song is, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets".  For me, this sums up where my problem lies.  I have shared before that I have issues with my "worth" (or rather worthlessness) and wondered from where it stems.  This lyric puts into words that very thing I have been wondering.

I first heard this song at East Lake Community Church when we were visiting for a baby dedication (almost 2 years ago?).  I loved it from the get go.  They sang it loud and we were singing a worship song with lyrics about a sloppy wet kiss.  Then a good friend of ours burned a CD of worship songs for my wife (who has her own blog) with this song on it.  The kids and I love to belt out "He loves us" when singing along around the house.  Our church also sings this song fairly regularly during our worship.  I have heard and sung this song countless times.

Recently, when singing this song at church, I had an epiphany while singing my favorite line.  It literally caused me to stop singing and contemplate my thoughts.  As I was singing that line, I heard my own voice casually telling me, "No, you have time."  I stopped singing.

:: reenactment ::
"What?" I asked.
"You have time," I replied.
"I don't understand."
"You were just singing how you don't have time to maintain your regrets, but you do," I explained
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you make time. You maintain your regrets quite well, in fact."

What do you do with that?  I mean besides the fact that I was having a conversation with myself.  In essence, that conversation summed up a core part of my shame, guilt and worth issues.  I maintained my regrets.  As long as I am maintaining my regrets, there is not much room to walk in forgiveness.  If I am not forgiving myself, how can I begin to accept God's forgiveness?  And ultimately, how can I live like God loves me?  I believe it (in my head), but I don't live it (from my heart). 

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::