Self Discipline

We have all had experience with Self Discipline.

Anyone who has set out to accomplish a particularly difficult goal has had to stare Self Discipline in the eye in a contest of wills where the first one to laugh loses. And when you start to squirm from the exertion and as Self Discipline begins to say things and make faces (that really are funny), you ask yourself, "Is there really any harm in laughing?"

SD:  Your determination won't help you.
SD:  I'm thinking about getting another hair-cut.
SD:  I'm going to kiss you now.
YOU:  haha. Dang it Self Discipline, you are funny. haha.

Whether it is a diet or exercise, getting up on time, spending less time on the computer, calling loved ones, talking to your neighbors, praying regularly or reading your Bible, or whatever else those things are that may come as a challenge to us, Self Discipline must be there. 

Dictionary.com defines self-discipline:  –noun, discipline and training of oneself, usually for improvement.

The greek word (from the Bible) translated as "self-discipline" is:  Sophronismos ( ) meaning,  an admonishing or calling to soundness of mind, to moderation and self-control, OR, self-control, moderation.

In my life, however, it often means a literal disciplining of myself.

A few years ago, while praying, I had a vision of myself walking through my life depicted as a house with rooms.  I was asking Jesus to show me which rooms needed to be "cleaned up".  At that time in my life, I was confused at the dead ends I came to and pleaded with God to show me what I was "doing wrong."  In the process of touring my house, the rooms were clean and Jesus was pleased. 

We came into the bedroom and Jesus had this look of appraisal, as if he was really taking in the surroundings.  He came to my bed and leaned over and said, "Hmm, what's this?" and waved my bed aside.  Underneath the bed was a trap door.  I sat down surprised and replied, "I didn't know that was there."  He said to me, "When you're ready, let's take a look."

Even though that was just a vision while I was praying, the ramifications were powerful.  It took me awhile to "take a look".  I don't remember exactly how long, but it was a significant time later.  I asked my wife (who has her own blog) to sit and pray with me as I opened the trap door.

Since then, God has shown me things that were affecting me that I was completely oblivious to.  Things that hinder me from experiencing God more fully.  Things that prevent me from seeing myself as God sees me.

One of those things is Self Discipline.  Not the "discipline of oneself for improvement", but the "punish or penalize oneself in order to rebuke or chastise".  I act as if I deserve what I get.  The results are the consequences of my actions, whether recent or in the past.  If there is tension between my wife and I, I withhold myself from her, because I don't deserve her.  If I am overlooked for a responsibility it is because I wasn't worthy anyway.  If I get a ticket for running a stop sign, I had it coming.

God has been teaching me and showing me this inclination.  I am only beginning to understand the depth of how this tendancy affects me.  If I am engaging in a "sin", I don't deserve God's forgiveness.  If I'm not reading the Bible, I don't deserve to know God's will.  If I'm not praying, I don't deserve to hear God's voice.  It can really be debilitating.

I am currently baffled by it.  I don't know where it stems from.  I suppose that is part of the process though.  God shows me the "thing" and my awareness brings about teachability.  The in-process part is hard though.

::prayer:: Lord, help me understand myself and continue to show me why I am the way I am and how I can be who you want me to be. ::endprayer::